


Something to Break

by Anubis_The_Caretaker



Category: League of Legends
Genre: Angst, Blood and Gore, Character Death, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Master/Servant, Rebellion, Secrets, Utopian/Dystopian AU, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-05-25 14:40:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14979323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anubis_The_Caretaker/pseuds/Anubis_The_Caretaker
Summary: Zed had expected to spend his entire life on the streets, until a new decree starts pulling homeless off the street and into servitude of the high elite of Ionia. When Zed is caught and brought into the household of the leader of the Kinkou, Kusho, he has to learn to deal with life in new ways.





	1. It's Cold Outside

**Author's Note:**

> This story is based in the same AU the Together Soon is set in, though I will be changing some events and interactions.  
> There will be an addition to tags as it goes, I don't really know exactly where this will be going as of right now.  
> Also I am just marking it as explicit ahead of time because it will have explicit content in later chapters.

The wind had left a cold chill in the air that Zed’s tattered hole filled clothing wouldn’t protect him from. His lips were cracked and his hands could barely hold his blanket with how badly they were shaking. It wasn’t the first time he had spent the winter outside and he doubted it would be his last. 

Zed had been living on the street’s for a while now, the only memories of the time before that was his name, which he had kept even if he couldn’t remember the people who had given it to him, nor could he remember the feeling of love they had once given him.

The small alleyway that Zed had taken up residence in was sheltered by the roofs of the buildings on either side so the snow didn’t reach the ground, the small cramped space easy for him to get in and out of. As a child he could do a lot that many of the homeless could not do, easily evading any detection by the town’s guards and citizens. 

It was a must to hide though, especially now that the Kinkou, the cities enforcers and high elite, had begun a campaign against allowing anyone to go homeless in the city, forcing those caught into servitude in order to get them off the street, in Zed’s opinion it was nothing but slavery.

Zed shivered once again, trying to pull the blanket tighter around himself as he hid back in the alleyway. Normally he would have tried to go out to the church for a warmth and protection on such a cold night, but he could not risk it having been spotted earlier in the day stealing from one of the street vendors.

“I swear, that boy must have gone somewhere,” the voice echoed into the dark of the ally, and Zed was suddenly glad that no adult could fit into the cramped space.

”No older than eight or nine and having to steal to survive, that is no way to live,” a second voice joined the first, growing louder as they grew closer to the alley, the second voice was that of the street vendor he had stolen from before sundown, he didn’t sound angry unlike earlier when he had yelled at the guards to chase Zed down for stealing.

“I mean, I am sure he will turn up sooner or later, or he dies,” the first voice echoed back growing louder as they walked past the alley and then began to lose its volume as they passed,”that's the way of the city,” was the last thing Zed heard before the voices faded into the distance.

Zed let out a shaky breath, chapped lips shaking as he closed his eyes knowing very well he would not get any sleep tonight with the cold. Shivering Zed slowly stood from his spot, it always got worse when he stood still, and with no more voices echoing back to him through the alley he figured it was safe enough to poke his head out maybe walk around a bit in attempt to stave off the cold.

Moving slowly Zed pulled the blanket tighter around him, the thin cloth letting all the wind chill straight through to him. He stepped slowly and quietly to the edge of the alleyway and peeked his head around the corner and checking both ways before slipping out of the tight space. 

The streets were lit poorly by old street lamps, and now that he was out of the little space his had been hiding in the snow seemed to completely cover his feet with each step, the cold seeping through his shoes and soaking both his feet and shoes with water as he walked.

Zed was regretting the decision to leave the alley at this point, violent shudders had begun to commonly go through his small body and the snow made it difficult for him to keep moving, just slowing him down farther. He had went the opposite way of the voices, but he still couldn’t help be scared that they might loop around still looking for him, but then again who would want to stay outside in this weather.

Zed was having a hard time pushing himself forward at this point, the lack of food and warmth was making his mind begin to shut down along with his body, and he was sure he was going to lose a toe or two from the way he had lost feeling in them, that’s when he heard the yelling, startling him back to the present.

“Well what if I don’t want to be like you Dad!” it yelled, a younger voice like Zed’s own, though very few knew what he actually sounded like anymore.

In the distance Zed could see a young boy, slightly taller than himself and most definitely better off standing outside of one of the stand alone house at the edge of the street, though house was the wrong word, it was one of the mansions built for a member of the Kinkou, which one though Zed did not know.

The doorway to the mansion was open and the other boy after yelling had run off in the direction of Zed, who had gone unnoticed so far. An older man stepped from the doorway, a frown on his lips as he looked out at the snow and presumably the boy who had run off into the storm.

Zed would have moved to the side and tucked himself away into the shadows had he not stopped, his body now refusing to move forward and shivering violently from the cold. Blinking he tried to force himself to move as he could tell even in his bogged down state that the other boy wasn’t paying attention to where he was going and was on a path that collided directly with Zed.

“Stop,” Zed whispered, his voice cracking and next to inaudible.

The man had stepped from the doorway shutting it and walking slowly towards both boys, having noticed where Zed stood and where the two would collide. Zed wasn’t able to watch him anymore as the other boy had ran straight into him sending them both falling back into the snow on the walkway, a small squeak coming from Zed and a yelp from the other boy who scrambled back quickly to stand up.

“I am so, so, so, so sorr..” his words faded away before he could finish the apology looking down at the smaller boy with something akin to wonder, and curiosity.

Zed didn’t attempt to move from the spot he was knocked over in, his body shuddering to violently for him to even try. The snow slowly soaking in to soak his hole body, as if it hadn’t been cold before.

“Shen, help him up,” the older man had caught up, his voice was very calm and collected, each word commanding respect.

“Yes, father,” the boy sighed, shoving one hand in a pocket as he offered a hand down to Zed, when Zed didn’t make a move to take it he made a face shoving it closer,”Well take it,” he huffed out at Zed.

The sigh that came from the older man was a mixture of agitation and annoyance as he knelt down beside Zed and lifted him into his arms,”Shen go back inside, and do not be rude to others in such a way.”

Normally Zed would have fought back being carried in someone's arms, but he could barely think with the way his body shook, his rags he called clothing soaked through and sticking to his pale skin, his hand having let go of the blanket no longer able to keep his fingers curled. Naturally he curled towards the warmth, it burned slightly against the cold but it brought feeling back to numb skin.

Zed was carried back to the house the two had left only a few minutes earlier, the bright lights inside making him hide his face the best he could, shutting his eyes tight as he shivered in the man’s arms.

“Shen, go get Kyne, we need to get this boy warmed up,” the man’s voice was only an echo in Zed’s mind as he was carried through the house, sound seeming to become incomprehensible to his mind, all of it turning into a soft buzzing.

The shivering slowly stopping once he was place on something soft, what he would have thought a cloud would feel like. A towel had been wrapped around him at some point, he was slowly slipping in between conscious and unconscious as people moved around him, though when Zed blinked open his eyes open each time he trying to stay conscious he focused on the boy, Shen as he had heard him called, standing in the corner of the room kicking at the ground like he had just been scolded.

“He will be fine, Master Kusho, I will make sure of it,” a new voice was the first one that had broken through the buzzing in his ears, it still sounded as if he was underwater, but it was a step in the right direction.

“Of course you will Kyne, that is why I had Shen fetch you,” the man’s voice rang through Zed’s head, panic beginning to fill his chest as he came to the full realization of what just happened, he had been caught.

Zed began to panic scrambling to move, his body feeling weighed down as he pulled himself to a sitting position and trying to slid off the bed only to fall with a heavy thump onto the paneled floor, feeling pain shoot through his knees and legs as soon as the hit. He didn’t quite understand much past that he had been caught, his mind to muddled to realize he was in no shape to run away.

Panting softly Zed moved no farther, all eyes in the room now on him as the two adult had moved, the man, Kusho, the name sounded familiar but his brain was to gone right now to remember who it was, and the woman, who must have been Kyne, had knelt besides him.

“Do not be afraid, you will be taken care of here,” she spoke softly offering Zed a hand which he just stared at refusing to take the offer of help from a woman he did not know,”Master Kusho is kind and fair.”

Zed shook his head and slowly shifted so he could scoot into a corner the best he could, his gaze flicking between the three in the room like a cornered animal.

“Kyne, you would assume that I would take him into my household?” Kusho asked, his eyes on Zed seeming to be deep in thought,”though I suppose it would only be right seeing as how he would have most likely died out in the cold.”

Kyne had glanced over her shoulder at Kusho and nodded her head slightly,”Sorry for my assumption Master, it is just he is only a boy, the system would not be good for him, and Master Shen seems to be a similar age as..”

“Yes, yes, I will take him in, but he will be your responsibility until he learns the rules,” Kusho interrupted, turning to leave the room,”Shen come it is time for bad.”

“Yes father,” Shen spoke, defeated as he bowed his head and followed Kusho out of the room leaving Zed alone in the room with Kyne.

Zed had pulled his knees up to his chest and had begun to shiver once more from his fear rather than his soaked clothing, tears were in his eyes, barely holding back the sobs, he couldn’t have been caught, he wasn’t anyone's servant, he wasn’t going to be a slave.


	2. A reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zed is trying to adjust to life, but life just doesnt want him to be happy it seems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is coming out a lot sooner than I thought it would, but 3 am inspiration is inspiration no matter what!

Zed had attempted many times after his capture to escape, but each attempt one of the next failed. Each attempt failed making the punishments worse on himself, had it not been for Kyne and Shen he was sure that the last time he attempted would have been his death at Kusho’s hand, but the two had defended him from the wrath of the master though he didn’t feel like he deserved such defense. From that point forward Zed did his best to behave, if only for Shen and Kyne, he still did his best. Even if his best had an attitude and would listen to no one outside of the household, it was better than him attempting to escape, and a step in the right direction in Kusho’s eyes.

Though each year that passed, Zed learned more and more of things outside of the walls of the mansion. Kyne had taught him in secret how to use the magic of the shadows, a gift he had naturally picked up as a child, as well as teaching him of a rebellion of those who had never been caught and those who had escaped from servitude, the slavery of people hidden behind kind words so other countries wouldn’t see the dirty underbelly of Ionia. 

Kyne was part of the rebellion, she had alway been part of it letting herself get captured was a plan to infiltrate and assassinate the higher members of the Kinkou, it was luck that she ended up with the leader. This was all Zed knew about it though, she seldom talked about it unless it was to promise him that she would take him somewhere safe after she was done here.

Her promise of taking Zed back to the rebellion left mixed feeling in the growing boys heart. As he reached his teenage years he couldn’t help but notice the way he felt towards Master Shen. Forbidden as those feelings were they were still there and they were strong, growing even stronger with each passing year that he spent around him.

Zed had taken to finishing his duties than sneaking up to the attic to read, wanting to avoid Shen at all cost now. It felt almost wrong hiding from the other boy after he came to his defense all those years ago, as well of years of sneaking off and doing stuff that children would do like rough housing and stealing snacks from the kitchen. It was necessary though, Zed was sure that if anyone found out it would be his head for sure, but it kept him waking up each morning, Shen was the reason he kept pushing ahead, his light at the end of the tunnel in a way.

It had grown later than usual this night without Zed realizing it, completely focused on the book in his hands, reading by the light of a dim candle that he had brought up to the windowless attic with him. A blanket loosely wrapped around his shoulders as he leaned back against the wall.

“Zed, there you are,” the voice startled Zed, making him jump with a start quickly tucking the book away under the blanket as he looked up to see Shen peeking his head into the attic having pulled open the ladder and climbed up, Zed hadn’t even heard the trapdoor get opened so the other could climb up.

“I’m sorry, were you looking for me?” Zed asked almost immediately worried he had missed something or had been needed,”Did I forget something?”

“No you didn’t forget anything, I was just looking for you,” Shen responded keeping his voice quiet as he looked down below before climbing the rest of the way up and pulling the ladder up so they were hidden from the rest of the world, similar to a time or two when they had come up as a young boys to dig through the piles of books.

“Why is that Master Shen?” Zed asked quietly, bowing his head slightly to look at his crossed legs so he didn’t have to look at the other boy.

“I told you not to call me that Zed, I don’t like it, feels wrong,” Shen responded with a soft huff, he wasn’t the same hot-tempered young boy they had been when they met, but he was still just as determined and opinionated,”and as for why, I just wanted to know why you have been avoiding me? Did I do something to offend you or what?”

Zed froze up at the question, knuckles turning white as he gripped the blanket that had falling to the hard floor, it felt as if he had been dropped into a lake without the knowledge on how to swim. Unsure of how to answer he just stayed silent, though he was sure that was the wrong choice after a moment of silence between the two, if only because Zed rarely ever remained silent even when asked to stay silent.

“Zed?” Shen said is name, worry slipping into his tone,”You can tell me anything.”

“I… umm.. I haven’t been avoiding you,” Zed stuttered out finally, his words not working right as he finally looked up to meet the other boys eyes, it was an obvious lie and as well as he could lie normally, this was Shen not some stuck up noble or Kusho, the boy who would have continued to be his best friend had they not been from two different worlds, and possibly so much more.

“Your lying is so bad it's offensive,” Shen teased and crawled closer to sit next to him, not mentioning it any further considering how abnormal it was for Zed to become nervous like that,”So what were you reading?”

Zed couldn’t have been more happy for the change of subject slowly pulling the book out from under the covers to reveal an old romance novel, it may have been a bit embarrassing to be caught reading it, but it was better than answering the original question of why he had been avoiding Shen.

“How often do you come up here now?” Shen asked, taking the book and thumbing through the pages with a soft hum, showing no bad judgement towards Zed’s choice in literature,”I mean it took me forever to even remember this places existed.”

“A while now,” Zed answered honestly seeming to relax a little bit even though Shen had sat closer to him than he would have liked, his gaze on the book in Shen’s hands rather than looking directly at him like a wanted to.

“So sappy these old romance novels,” She chuckled and handed the book back leaning down slightly to meet Zed’s gaze,”I never would have taken you, the person with the biggest attitude ever, to like old sappy romance novels.”

A light blush spread over Zed’s cheeks as he sat there for a moment unable to pull himself away from the other’s gaze, it had been such a long time since he had been able to look directly into those blue eyes and it made his heart flutter in his chest, they were like beautiful oceans that were blessed by sunlight and their depths could swallow you hole if you weren't careful.

“So, why does it matter what I read?” Zed finally responded taking the book and looking away with a deep breath, it had taken a lot more effort than he would have liked.

“It doesn’t,” Shen responded with a shrug,”I am sure whatever lady you take a fancy in would appreciate it,” he teased nudging him slightly,”They like it when you have little secrets like that, they also like old sappy romance novels.”

“Stop it,” Zed snapped softly setting the book to the side his face scrunched with irritation at the comments considering that he wasn’t interested in any ladies and even if he was Shen was held higher in his heart than anyone except for possibly Kyne, but that was love towards a motherly figure nothing more.

“Why should I?” Shen asked with a smirk moving so he was sitting in front of Zed, leaning forward,”I mean, we are both almost to the age where they expect us to start looking for wives, and as far as I have been told we are both strapping young men who will find beautiful wives and have lots of sex!” 

The words were more of a joke than anything else, and Zed new that but he didn’t like the thought of anyone else touching Shen and he had to keep that to himself, which had been hard before with the same thoughts occurring to him, but hearing Shen say them drove his mind to places he didn’t want it.

“Shen!” Zed snapped loudly at him opening his mouth once more as if to scold the other boy, his lips snapping shut as he caught the look of shock on the others face, having not expected Zed to raise his voice at him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize the subject bothered you that much,” Shen responded softly reaching forward to place a hand on his shoulder,”I didn’t realize my teasing would upset you so much.”

“I.. am the one who should apologize, I just do not have interest in women right now,” Zed responded shrugging off Shen’s hand for fear that he would feeling the way his heart was racing,”or ever,” he added softly, more as a side note.

“Oh,” Shen responded leaning back as thought about the words,”Well at least you have that freedom to choose that option,” he teased trying to light up the mood a little,”My father expects me to marry and have children to carry on the family name.”

“You would be a great father,” Zed responded ignoring the others choice of words, because he was anything but free,”at least I think so,” he was staring at his hands in his lap once again, opening and closing his fists to focus the nervous energy.

“And what if I don’t want to be a father?” Shen asked leaning forward once again and tilting his head up to look at Zed,”What if I just want to be your best friend, or I don’t know some prostitute living on the streets.”

Zed pulled back quickly nearly smacking his head against the wall behind him,”I wouldn’t do that, I wouldn’t be a very good best friend, and prostitution in illegal even for me” he responded, his breath catching in his throat as Shen moved closer., he wanted the other to back away, Zed was sure at this point his heart was beating loud enough to be heard.

“Why don’t you have any interest in women Zed?” Shen asked with a smirk, his way of bouncing in between subjects was making it hard for Zed to keep what he was saying straight, not wanting any secrets getting out, or for himself to lie about something and then go back on his own word.

“I’m just not,” Zed answered with a huff, lips pursed as Shen hadn’t moved away instead just moving so his face was about a foot away from Zed’s.

“Is it because you like men?” Shen asked after pulling away slightly, looking sufficiently pleased that he had made Zed uncomfortable, or at least twitchy at how close they had been.

“No,” Zed quickly lied, the red returning to his cheeks as he turned away, his stomach felt like it was curling in on itself and any step closer to his feeling towards Shen was a step to close to for Zed’s comfort.

Shen got that stupid grin on his face that he got when he had an idea that could possibly get them both in trouble and it frightened Zed, especially after the line of questions that he had just gone through.

“So, you offend me with another lie,” Shen chuckled as he leaned forward once more putting his hands on either side of Zed’s head, bracing himself on the wall and shifting so he was balanced on his knees so he could be face to face with Zed who had turned to look him in the eye, wanted to deny the fact that he was lying,”would it bother you at all if I did this then or maybe got a little closer maybe?” he trailed off eyes flicking between Zed’s eyes and lips, they were only about an inch apart by this point, Shen face extremely close to his own, to close.

Zed needed to push him away, but he didn’t want to, maybe he didn’t need to push him away. Trying to rationalize it in his own head, Shen was the one more to close, not Zed could that mean he... any thoughts he had were interrupted by a loud crash from below that startled them both, Shen quickly moving away, and Zed grateful for the crash because he could only guess what Shen was about to do and it made his mind spin, his entire face red and his heart racing faster than it had any right to.

Before either of them had time to address what had just happened another loud crash came from below them, along with yelling, making both Shen and Zed share glance and make a move for the attic entry scrambling down worried of what it might be,

Another loud crash directed the two boys to Kusho’s room where Shen was the first to open the door, not even hesitating because of how abnormal the loud crashes were. He stopped in the doorway trying to block Zed from seeing the scene before him. 

Barely being able to see the room over Shen shoulder Zed gasped at the sight stumbling back as his heart felt like it was being ripped from his chest. The scene he had seen was one like no other even from the time he had lived on the streets as a child.

Kusho had been standing over a limp body of Kyne, he long black hair beginning to stick to her head with a liquid Zed could only assume was blood, the red substance had begun to pool near her head, the body laying in an unnatural position. Where the body laid seemed to be the final resting place of a struggle and possible fight, across the room the vanity had been smashed as well as a closet door had been broken in, blood smeared across the surface and pieces of ripped cloth presumably from Kyne’s clothing ripped and hanging from the shards.

Zed could barely hold onto the contents of his stomach as he collapsed back against the wall, holding his hand to his stomach. He hadn’t know Kyne was going to try so soon, this had obviously been an attempt on Kusho’s life, the man rarely ever used violence otherwise, even less now as his age had begun to show with the grey streaks in his hair.

“Shen move,” Kusho’s voice was harsh and commanding, and Shen followed the command moving from the doorway as motioned, not used to his father’s rage.

Shen glanced at Zed with sympathy in his eyes, and Zed had no way of knowing the pain the other boy felt at the sight of seeing the long time servant and close companion dead on the floor, as well as the closest thing he himself had had to a mother figure as well. She had been the one Shen had confided in when he had needed someone to talk to.

Kusho was still standing over the body as he spoke again,”Zed look, stand up and look,” he commanded, and Zed remained silent for the second time that night standing as straight as he could with the tightness in his chest and holding back the tears threatening to make him collapse onto the floor, barely getting out each breath as he looked down at the body.

“This is what happens when you forget your place,” Kusho stated pointing at the body with a fierce rage in his eyes that terrified Zed in ways he never thought he would be afraid,”don’t ever forget your place boy, ever,”Now clean it up, because of this bitch I now have work to do.” he growled and walked off, as he walked past Zed caught the knick on his neck showing Kyne had almost succeeded in her plan.

As soon as Zed could no longer hear Kusho’s footsteps in the hall he fell to his knees the tears streaming out, his mind lost completely to the grief of the body before him, she had truly become a mother to him over the years and her loss was heart breaking. He felt the hand on his shoulder before he noticed that Shen had knelt down next to him, blue eyes filled with their own grief but no tears were shed.

“Go grieve, I can clean this,” Shen spoke softly, his hand still on Zed’s shoulder.

“No,” Zed choked out shoving his hand away,”I need to do this,” he whispered voice catching in his throat,” I don’t need your pity, or your help it was your father who did this!” he snapped, anger and grief making his thoughts disappear into a dark space for only a minute before he met Shen’s gaze again, the grief in his eyes turned into something more as Shen saw the anger in Zed’s eyes, scared of what he saw there.

Zed’s heart seemed to shatter at the look as the other boy stood,”I.. Will leave you to it then,” he mumbled and walked off, as if Zed’s look had directly blamed him for the events, leaving Zed to regret every impulsive decision he had ever made, his light walking away from him, Kyne dead before him, in his mind he no longer had much of a reason to live, but as he cleaned up the body moving slowly as he fought off the urge to sob again he realized he had one cause, the same one Kyne had died for, the one he could fight for in her place to honor her, the rebellion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry if there are any mistake in the grammar, I went over it a few times but no one else reads this stuff until I post it here.   
> As for chapter three I am already working on it, but I don't know when it will come out I am having a few issues with it.  
> thank you so much for reading! <3


	3. Strength

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Kyne's death Zed has to keep his strength to keep moving forward to accomplish goals that seem impossible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will just leave this here and run away, enjoy?  
> I know this chapter is a lot longer, I debated making it multiple chapters but it felt better as a hole.  
> Also as usual sorry for any grammar mistakes or things I missed, I try to read back through them, but I know I miss things.  
> Also, this chapter does have explicit stuff in it... beware!

Kyne’s death had changed Zed, he had gone from a rambunctious teenager to a cold hearted man within a matter of a few days. She hadn’t received a proper funeral but Zed had found and taken over her remaining contacts with the rebellion and notified them of what had happened, visiting her unmarked grave the end of each week late into the night, where he could tell her everything that had happened during the week.

Zed spoke to her about how his heart hurt each time he remembered something they would do together, or how it broke a little more each time Shen avoided him, the two rarely ever saw each other anymore, and it was better that way in Zed’s mind, his feelings for the other still heavy on his heart. He told her all of his feelings now, hiding nothing from her even if she was dead he felt like her spirit was watching and listening, supporting him, moving him forward to accomplish a goal, a tiny bit of comfort among the sea of grief and regret that surrounded him.

Sleep rarely ever came to Zed anymore, and when he did sleep it was plagued with dreams of what could have been if that night had never happened, secret kisses in the garden with Shen, gleefully returning to Kyne to tell her his adventures, with a light in his eyes that he knew would never be there again, and them returning to place that he had been told his entire childhood, a place safe from this slavery. Each time Zed would wake from these dreams his chest would become tight and he would have to sit still holding back the tears of grief for what he lost, regret building in the pit of his stomach and rage building in his heart towards the one that had made him lose it all, Kusho.

Many of the contacts that Zed spoke with in Kyne’s place would asked him why he was so different from the young man Kyne had described when she spoke of him with pride, and each time he would respond with,’my light got taken away,’ nothing more nothing less, letting them assume it meant Kyne, when is reality his coldness came from the fact Shen was no longer a friend, he was Master like his father.

It had been almost a year since Kyne’s death and Zed was still visited her grave each week, and coming up on the anniversary of her death he managed to sneak flowers out to her grave, placing them at the head and sitting near it with his head bowed in silence.

“I am still sorry Kyne,” Zed whispered placing his hand on the ground,”I lost so much that night, and I do not think I can fix anything that broke,” his voice was low, and filled with sorrow,”I can’t bring you back, and I can’t ever know what would have happened that night in the attic,” he continued with a soft sigh and bowed his head once more, silence filling the air as it seemed even the birds and bugs had gone silent for the moment.

“She meant more to you than I thought,” the voice that broke the silence terrified Zed, slowly scrambling to stand to look at Kusho, crimson eyes glued on the other man with a mixture of fear and anger,”I am more surprised though of your feelings towards my son,” he continued not losing any confidence as he spoke, voice calm and collected,”I did not expect you to return after finding you here last week, I thought maybe you were visiting it merely because you could not sleep, but it seems like it is so much more than that.”

Zed didn’t respond, instead he looked down at the flowers with a feeling of defeat sinking into his heart, had he become complacent enough to get caught, or had he just not seen that he was followed.

“You do not need to speak, I have all the information I need,” Kusho stated with a slight smirk, crossing his arms as he stepped forward, placing his steps deliberately on the flower Zed had placed only minutes before destroying the delicate petals,”I think I could have worked with you still had it just been visiting the grave, she was like a mother to you, correct me if I am wrong there, but these feelings you harbor towards my son,” Kusho shook his head.

“I don’t even talk to him, what do you think I am going to do corrupt him?” Zed asked his voice harsh and filled with anger,”I am pretty sure he hates me anyway, so doesn't this suit your goal to make me suffer?”

“Zed, child,” Kusho sighed and shook his head,”There was much potential in you, why would I want you to suffer, I merely wanted you to understand the ways of this world, and your place in it.”

“You have done nothing but make me suffer since.. Since you brought me in!” Zed responded raising his voice at Kusho, unable to help the anger that he felt bubbling inside of his gut and the tightness of his chest.

“Do not raise your voice at me,” Kusho growled in response, his calm and relaxed demeanor become tense and anger seeping into his gaze,”and I gave you a home, I saved you off the streets you ungrateful brat!”

“I would have rather died,” Zed hissed back,”You took everything from me, it is you that ruined my life.”

The stinging in his face was the only thing Zed could think about as he was flung back, Kusho’s hand had connected with his face within seconds, no warning signs whatsoever. Zed stumbled back managing to stay on his feet as he brought a hand up to his cheek, staring off anywhere that Kusho was not.

“What are you going to do now old man? Kill me like you killed her?” Zed growled letting his head fall as he looked directly at Kusho meeting his gaze with a rage filled gaze of his own.

“There are far worse thing than death Zed, and not all servants had it as good as you had it,” Kusho stated stepping forward and gripping his chin,”I know many who would have used you for other purposes and just might still, especially now that I know of the perverted thoughts you have in your mind of my son.”

Zed was shoved back hard enough to make him fall on his ass, Kusho looming over him. The cold look in the older man’s eyes scared Zed as he began to realize what he was threatening to do.

“Then I will think of Shen at every turn,” Zed growled in response, refusing to back down from the words even if they terrified him,”Just to spite you.”

“I was kind of hoping you would play nice Zed, but you never have so I don’t know where I got that idea from,” Kusho sighed looking off into the distance for a moment,”I liked you, thought you would be good for Shen, he was never any good at making friends, but I feel like you have corrupted him instead.”

“That is your doing you bitch,” Zed snapped as he slowly began to sit up, wondering if it would be dangerous to escape through the shadows, or try to run for it.

“You are the one who has been having impure thoughts of him!” Kusho responded leaning down to grip the front of his shirt lifting him up with strength that one would not assume he had,”It was that night that he changed, he was no longer himself, and I can do nothing but blame you for that!”

It was the last words Zed heard before his world went black, pain radiating from his head for only a moment before he slipped away into a world that was not this one, far from it. Zed could no longer feel his physical form but he wasn’t asleep, or unconscious even, he had only ever seen Kusho do this once before and it had been terrifying to think about, Kyne had tried to explain it to him, but it had been hard to understand the only part that stuck was when she said it would be like if he sent someone else to the shadows.

Color began to fade into existence around him as he was in the attic once more, Shen inches from him those blue eyes capturing his soul in them. Zed didn’t sit still this time trying to reach up and pull him closer, to take back his hesitance but the image just slipped through his fingers, turning to dust before him before he began to fall. A whirlwind of blues dragging him down as he fell, feeling like something was dragging him down into the whirlwind of pain and grief, each emotion ringing true in heart, wondering if this was going to be his end.

Zed fought though, trying to grab a purchase anywhere he could, memories materializing on all sides and then turning into dust as well as soon as Zed saw them. He couldn't pull himself up any farther and soon found himself dragged down into the whirlwind his vision once again going back as he sat still in the silence of his own mind.

In the distance Zed could see a soft blue light, trying to reach out for it he couldn’t force himself to move no matter how hard he tried, frozen in place. The light grew brighter as Zed looked at it, still resisting the feeling of being unable to move as he attempted to reach out to it. With the light an image began to appear and Zed stopped struggling as he saw those blue eyes looking back at him.

“Shen,” the word echoes through Zed mind as he spoke it aloud, and it felt as if the chains released him that were holding him in place,”Please…. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean any of it,” he begged softly the gaze of the other man not faltering,”Please don’t leave me here,” he begged softly,”don’t go away again,” Zed whispered, and the image shifted the form becoming smaller and it was no longer Shen but Kyne.

“Zed,” her voice was soft and she moved towards him unlike Shen who had stood still, she kept moving closer until she was right in front of him, her hand reaching forward to touch his cheek though no feeling was there,”I am sorry I failed you, you are not the one to blame here.”

“This isn’t real,” Zed whispered, he could feel tears now, it was the first physical feeling he had had since his mind had been shoved into itself,”I am… imagining this, you can’t be here.”

Kyne let out a soft sigh and bowed her head,”Zed, my sweet child, if you only understood how real I was, how much magic is really in this world, how fate has dealt you cruel cards,” looking off into the distance she let the words echo through his thoughts for a moment before continuing, the entire experience ethereal to Zed as she began to speak again,”May Kalista guide your blade, and your heart lead you back to where you belong, but Zed please stay strong this time ahead will not be easy, I no longer have the power to stick around, Kusho has made sure of that.”

“But,” Zed whispered finally able to reach out to her, his hand passing through her,”I don’t want you to leave.”

“I must, but remember I loved you, and you must get your own light back, you can do it,” She began to fade from his mind,”I must move on now, to the next place,” she whispered voice fading as she disappeared completely.

“No!” Zed yelled as he fell to his knees, his world fading to black once more, his mind slowly slipping away into unconsciousness, allowing his body true rest for the time being, what he did not realize is that this was a last gift from Kyne, to give him the much needed rest his body needed before the events ahead.

\----

Zed woke hours later, his entire body feeling heavy from the experience he had just gone through. There was a slight throbbing in his head and when he attempted to sit up he just fell back against the hard surface he was laying on, the rattle of chains making his eyes snap open as he realized to either side of him his hands had been chained to the ground as well of his feet. He was laying in the back of a carriage of sorts, he had never seen the inside of one of the transport carriages but he assumed that’s what this was after what Kusho was saying.

Finally able to push himself into a sitting position Zed looked around the empty area to see he was the only one in there, the usually fairly long chains nail to the ground to prohibit movement and his ankles attached directly to the floor so he could not stand without injuring himself.

From outside he could hear a conversation getting closer to the carriage one of the voices he recognized as Kusho, anger boiling up inside of him at the sound, he was sending him off like this, the other he recognized but couldn’t place it knowing it must have been one of the hundreds of other Kinkou member that Kusho spoke with,

“Oh Kusho, I never thought you would even consider this,” the other man spoke loudly, joy seeming to be evident in his tone as they grew closer,”You were always so protective over him as a boy, though don’t take that as an insult I am very happy to have you give him to me, though I do suppose I will have to train him in a new type of service.”

“You do as you will with him,” Kusho responded, Zed wondered how long he had been out if Kusho had already gave him to someone else, the thoughts only serving to anger him farther,”Just keep in mind he has never… been used that way Morris, so be weary of breaking him to quick.”

A shudder went down Zed’s spine at the implications behind those words, fear digging itself into his chest once more as he tried to place the name with the face, attempting to keep panic at bay.

“Yes, I know I know, though it may be hard, he is a very, very attractive young man,” Morris responded as they came to a stop outside of the carriage,” Though he will know what it's like before he is put up for anyone else,” the pleased hum in his voice made Zed want to vomit,”if I put him up for anyone else.”

“One last thing,” Kusho responded.

“Yes of course anything for you Kusho, especially with such a wonderful gift,” Morris responded.

“Shen must never hear or know about this,” Kusho responded his tone carrying a very serious and commanding tone,”If I find out that he knows it will be your head.”

“Of course sir, your son will not catch wind of anything, it will be like Zed disappeared of the face of the planet,” Morris responded curtly as footsteps signified him walking around to the front part of the carriage, and another set of footsteps going off in the direction the two of them came from.

The ride had been incredibly bumpy, and Zed’s head hurt even more than when he had first woken up. He had kept quiet though he wanted to yell profanities at the top of his lungs at the man who was driving the cart, the rage burning in his heart not dimming at all.

When they had finally coming to a stop Zed laid back down against the hard ground of the carriage staring up at the roof in silence, unsure of what to expect next as the doors opened and the cool night air hit him making him shiver.

“Oh you’ve been awake, I thought you may have still been asleep,” Morris stated from the open doors, tugging on the chains slightly,”Would have been easier but I mean I guess this gives me a head start.”

“Head start on what?”Zed growled, his voice cracking slightly his throat dry and a shudder going through his body.

“On training of course,” Morris responded and he got into the back with him, something akin to a metal collar in his hands, he moved closer cautiously as if he was dealing with a rabid animal instead of another human,”I assume Kusho didn’t tell you anything, so if you speak again without permission you will be punished, if you work with me it will feel just as good for you,” with that he opened the metal ring and fit it smugly around Zed neck, not enough to hamper his breath, but it was tight enough that it would cause issues if he struggled.

“Whore,” Zed growled snapping his teeth at him since it was the only thing he could really move that well, earning a well aimed kick into his rib.

“No that’s you,” Morris responded pulling on a chain that was connect to the thing around his neck pulling him into a sitting position, Morris was not a small man by any means, he had scars visible on much of his body and his body was built like a tank,”And also I can guarantee I am stronger than you so you really don’t want to start the biting thing with me.”

The tug on the chain was a bit irritating but Zed moved forward with it, glaring at the bigger man with venom in his eyes, but keeping his mouth shut considering he knew who it was now, Morris was the one who ran the brothel, and he had the strength to keep any fights from happening there, Zed knew when he was outmatched.

Zed looked away the best he could, letting his eyes fall shut as he remembered what had happened in his mind, Kyne had told him to be strong, and he now understood why.

“Look at you,” Morris growled roughly grabbing his chin and forcing it side to side as Zed opened his eyes,”You really are going to be a star here, no scars, smooth skin and those eyes.”

Zed noticed that Morris had released his ankles and was in the process of releasing his writs, the heavy clank of them hitting the floor making the pain in Zed’s head spike for a moment.

“I will kill you both,” Zed muttered, rubbing his wrists as they were released, returning to glare at the bigger man though he didn’t make any moves.

“I highly doubt that boy,” Morris responded standing and pulling roughly on the chain connected to the collar,”I highly doubt you will want to do anything once I am done with you.”

“That would imply I have something to break in the first place,” Zed spit back as he was forced to stand, struggling against the collar just made it hard to breath so following where Morris dragged him was the best course of action for the time being.

“You have a backbone Zed, I’ll give you that,” Morris responded turning and gripping his hair and pulling it back so he was looking up at him,”But even the strongest will can be shattered in the right circumstances, also I thought I told you not to speak.”

“And I thought I called you a whore,” Zed answered grinding his teeth slightly as he looked at him with that same anger.

“Thats right, and then again I remind you, thats you,” Morris sighed and shook his head shoving him forward and then making the chain go taught so the collar caught making him lose his breath and fall to his knees,”Get up and start moving.”

Zed growled, but didn’t respond this time, the pressure on his neck making him question his own want to die, before remembering that he needed to keep moving, keep going, he needed to get his light back, Kyne had told him he could. Slowly he stood and glared back at Morris before hopping out of the back reaching up to touch the collar and feeling the keyhole that kept the thing locked.

“No getting out of that without the key,” Morris stated letting the chain go a bit loose so he could push Zed in the right direction, “But boy does it look pretty on you.”

Walking was difficult for Zed as his body was groaning with each movement, but he kept going getting nudges or slight tugs towards the back entrance of a large hotel like building, the building that Morris ran and lived in. Once inside the building Zed could feel eyes on them though, a few whispers from lips that Zed refused to look at, or acknowledge, this was a place for broken people and even if he wanted to deny it he knew he was.

Not that far in Zed was shoved into a well kept room, though it was quite empty of personal effects. Morris stepped in behind him and locked the door, stepping forward with his eyes on Zed,”So what’s going to happen now is I am going to take of this collar and you will get undressed, I know that you are not at your full strength so don’t try anything.”

Zed opened his mouth to snap at him, but the hard look on Morris’ face made him snap his mouth shut once more.

“If you try anything, I will make sure you won’t be able to sleep for the rest of the day,” Morris threatened as he stepped forward key in hand.

The locked clicked and Zed took in a deep breath as the collar was removed, he was no longer bound and he knew if he didn’t try something now he might not get a chance again before anything happened, and the thought of that made him shudder. As soon as Morris had taken a step back away from him Zed moved quickly trying to meld into the shadows as he had been taught only to hear the clatter of the collar being dropped and a thick hand wrapped around his neck tightening to make it hard for him to breath.

“Nice trick but not fast enough,” Morris growled, the irritation in his voice evident as the hand tightened around his neck and lifted him from the ground,”I told you what would happened if you tried something.”

Zed was focused on breathing, another shudder going through his entire body as he was shoved into the wall, Morris’ other hand reaching down to rip off the clothing he was wearing, not having much of a hard time with it as it was poorly made clothing, not what he had been wearing when Kusho had sent his mind into the other realm.

“I am very glad he washed you before I picked you up,” Morris mumbled running a hand over his chest and stomach to the now revealed lower part of his body, had Zed not been so focused on breathing he would have attempted to push him away,”Because now I can do what I want, a new favorite toy.”

Morris moved him only to shove him onto the bed keeping one hand around his neck as he reached for a set of chains that had been attached to the headboard shackling his wrists with them before releasing his neck and turning him so he was laying face down on the bed.

“So pretty, sure pure, I am so glad I get to take this from you, I should thank you for acting up, I was planning on letting you get your energy back before doing anything, but you asked for it,” Morris hummed, as Zed felt his body stretched out by force and the cold of shackles on his ankles as well.

“You are a pervert,” Zed growled as he pulled on the chains now that the hand was nowhere near his neck, but it didn’t seem like he was going anywhere anytime soon with how the chain stretched him out,”A disgusting sick ma..”

Zed’s words were interrupted by a yelp as a hand was brought down hard on his ass, leaving a slight warm sting in its wake.

“If you know what's best for you, you would shut up,” Morris growled, Zed could feel his hand rubbing his ass over the mark now, though he couldn’t see it even if he turned his head.

“I will enjoy killing you,” Zed growled gritting his teeth as he felt the bed shift beneath them as Morris moved.

Morris’ hand was still on his ass the other reaching up to wrap around Zed’s neck once more. His warmth felt to hot against zed’s skin, he was to close and it made Zed’s skin crawl at the thought of having him that close.

“To bad Shen is Kusho’s son,” Morris’ whispered in his ear, his breath hot against his neck,”Because if I could have you both I already would know how to break your will.”

“Leave Shen out of this,” Zed growled, any semblance of cooperation going of the window as he began to struggle against the chains, throwing his head back to slam it into Morris’ nose.

Morris pulled away with a hiss of pain, and Zed could feel the bed lift as he stood up,”what you don’t think Kusho didn’t tell me of your little crush,” he growled out of spite,”if I had him, I would just punish him everytime you misbehaved, it would make my life easier.”

“I will rip your heart out through your ribs!” Zed yelled as he struggled, not sure what he was actually planning but he wasn’t going to go easy.

“So violent,” Morris growled, Zed could hear the shuffling of him removing clothing,”if I didn’t think you would do it I would let you keep that anger, some people like it,” he returned to the bed sitting on the edge running a hand over Zed’s leg and making his shiver,”I was thinking of being gentle with you, but I don’t think you deserve it.”

Zed tried to pull away as the hand kept moving up his leg, Morris reaching underneath him to roughly grab his balls making him whimper softly in response to the pain. The grip made him stop moving freezing as he attempted to hold as still as possible to avoid the pain.

“See even you know when to stop,” Morris huffed keeping his hand there as he moved to whisper in his ear again,”If you are good maybe I will let you in on a secret, after I am done with you of course.”

“I hate you,” Zed hissed turning his head to the side to see if he could see Morris,”Why the hell would I be good for you.”

“Because this is your life now,” Morris responded tightening his grip on Zed balls and listening to the soft whine that escaped from his lips at the pressure on his sensitive parts,”And you are going to suffer a lot longer if you don’t just give in.”

Zed didn’t respond, closing his eyes instead as he tried to focus on his thoughts with the mans breath down his neck, hand around his neck to hold his head up and body closer than he would have ever wanted him to be. In his eyes he had two options, keep fighting until he wore himself out or submit, either way it was going to end the same way, as much as he didn’t want it to he could already see where this was going, he knew the stories of this place, he understood what he was going to be used for now. Letting his body relax against the bed as much as he could he opened his eyes, anger still in them, but subdued, if he submits maybe in time he could earn trust and escape then.

“Tell me the secret now and I will hold still,” Zed growled, he wasn’t going to enjoy this no matter how he thought about it.

“What about keeping your mouth shut?” Morris responded gripping his chin and turning his face to look him in the eye,”Doing what I say? Listening and playing your part?”

Zed glared at him and swallowed, it took every fiber of his self control not to spit in the man's face as he heard the words come out of his mouth,”Fine,” he snapped looking away with a deep breath as his chin was released,”But you have to tell me the secret first,” Zed whispered, having a hard time forcing himself to not struggle against his hold.

“I suppose I can have some mercy on you, you are pretty young still after all, just barely of age if I remember right,” Morris stated with a smirk letting go off his chin only to whisper in his ear,”close your eyes,” he ordered.

Against his better judgement Zed did so, taking in a deep breath as he closed his eyes, body tense and ready to fight if necessary, but unable to move much because of the hold on his balls.

“Good, now anything that happens after this, just imagine Shen, as if he was the one touching you,” Morris continued, moving his hand currently holding onto his balls to gently rub Zed,”It’ll be hard at first, but it’ll get you through this job, and the training your body needs to handle this job.”

Zed had to bite his lower lip not to let any sounds out as his body reacted to the touch, each word sticking in his mind and making it hard not think of Shen in that way. He had always avoided thoughts like this when it came to Shen, though on some late nights they had come whether he liked it or not. In truth, Zed wanted to deny the truth in Morris’ words, each one making him want to cry out in defeat, but they were accurate, his mind already slipping to those late night thoughts as he was touched, the thoughts he had thought about when he had touched himself.

“See you are already relaxing,” Morris stated letting his free hand slid down his back and body, being gentle with Zed now unlike earlier,”Maybe one day he will come see you and it will be him.”

Tensing slightly at the thought of Shen coming here for that, Shen had always been against stuff like this, honestly one of the biggest things that had made Zed fall in love him was his disagreeance with his father on the servants in general. It had been something they had fought about on a regular basis, that and Shen getting married.

“I will return to him,” Zed whispered into the pillow, burying his face in it to try and block out any other senses other than feeling, not wanting to hear or see the Morris, not wanting to submit, but it would save him energy and hopefully give him a chance to escape.

“Doubt it,” Morris mumbled having heard the words, but not saying anything more instead running his hands over his body trying to get him to relax,”you need to relax or the next part is going to hurt,” he spoke louder to make sure Zed heard him.

Zed wasn’t sure how he could relax in this situation, but he tried, forcing his muscles to unclench and body to release the tension it held. Still being chained to the bed didn’t help, and the way Morris was touching him made his body move without his permission. The shackles had begun to rub his ankles and wrists red, and the slight burn from his struggle earlier didn’t help.

A soft pop came from near his head and he felt an oily liquid being poured on his lower back, Morris hand on his dick moving a bit quicker on the now hard member. Zed felt a hand on his lower back in the liquid rubbing it around and lower in between his ass cheeks, making a shiver go through his entire body.

“Remember it’s Shen touching you,” Morris leaned up to whisper in his ear, it was such a quick change in Zed’s demeanor he could help but be gentle with the younger man, at least with his first time, though he still felt no guilt for doing this to him.

Zed’s eyes with shut tight as his mind took over much like it had when he was younger imagining a better place to be in. He had a harder time imagining Shen doing this to him but even trying to think that helped his body relax, he trusted Shen. The gentle touch now felt much more like how he imagined Shen would touch him.

The tension came back as soon as Zed felt the finger slip into him, his fists clenching above his head at the intrusion,”Why?” He whispered,”Why me?”

Morris didn’t answer him instead pushing the finger in a bit farther,”just relax, enjoy the feelings,” he whispered softly into his ear,”because the truth is not going to make this easier.”

Zed whimpered trying to grip the chains as he felt another finger slip into him. His breathing was growing heavier with the mixture of the fingers moving in him and the hand still rubbing him. Soft whimpers started slipping from his lips, if it hadn’t been for the cold of the shackles Zed would have lost himself to his imagination, imagining those blue eyes watching him while he touched him.

“Shen,” Zed whispered, his entire body tensing again, and his eyes shot open,”no, no, please no,” he whimpered not able to keep ahold of the thoughts any longer it wasn’t Shen he was with he lost that chance the night Kyne died.

“Zed, you beautiful being, relax again please,” Morris whispered leaning down to kiss his neck as he still worked his fingers inside of him,”it will feel good if you relax, I promise it isn’t all bad.”

Zed swallowed as he could feel tears welling up in his eyes. This wasn’t Shen, this was Morris, a man that was using him for his own personal pleasure by violating Zed’s body. It didn’t feel bad physically though as much as he wished he could say it hurt, or even felt unpleasant.

“I just want to keep you here all for myself,” Morris mumbled in his ear, kissing his neck again as he slipped in a third finger, it seemed like he had dropped the act of trying to make Zed feel comfortable now that his eyes were open”so pure and innocent compared to most that I get, I get to take your innocence.”

“Shen,” Zed whimpered wishing that the other could save him from this like he had when they were children, when Kyne and him had convinced Kusho to let him live.

“Your feelings for him are what brought you to me Zed,” Morris stated pushing his fingers in deeper his other hand moving quicker as he peppered kisses over his neck,”I always wanted to do this, ever since you came into yourself, so beautiful.”

Zed’s knuckles were turning white with how tight his fists were, but he was forcing himself to relax, there was no other way to get through this, unless he wanted to deal with the pain he knew could come from this. He could feel his body relax when the fingers removed, the hand on his erection slowly pulling away dragging along his hip and leaving him shaking a thin layer of sweet on his skin. The bed shifted with Morris as he moved to a new position to where even if Zed was trying to see him he couldn’t.

“You submitted much easier than I thought you would,” Morris stated, as Zed felt a little bit more of the oil he had felt earlier drip on his ass and legs, and could feel legs on either side of his own,”I guess I may be getting to good at my job.”

Shaking at the feeling off Morris pressing his hardened dick against his ass, Zed bit his lower lip to keep himself from begging him not to move forward, knowing it would just make it harder on himself, he had to survive he had to stay strong. As much as the words hurt Zed, he knew they were true, he had submitted but he was only letting him do this to him, because he had to, he didn’t have a choice.

Morris couldn’t wait any longer as he rubbed against Zed, positioning so he could push into him. The cry that slipped from Zed’s lips as Morris entered him was the one that made the tears finally slip down his face, he had been well prepared but it still stung as Morris pushed all the way into him without giving him time to adjust.

“So tight,” Morris mumbled with a soft hum, stopping once he was fully inside of Zed,”Oh this is the best gift I have gotten in ages,” he mumbled before he began to move, slowly at first not wanting to hurt him, but to impatient let him adjust fully.

Zed could barely feel the hands on him with each thrust picking up pace and hitting a spot inside of him that set his body aflame with pleasure. Tears were streaming down his face and soft whines and whimpers were slipping from his lips as he was fucked by the older man.

With each thrust Zed lost more and more of his conscious thought and by the time Morris had reached around to touch Zed’s neglected erection, he was a mess of tears and moans his entire body shaking from the intrusion and his mind was a muddled mess of wishes and dreams that were no longer possible because of this moment. Physically it had stopped hurting but the longer they went the more it emotionally killed Zed, his already shattered heart being thrown into the wind.

The world went white as Zed came from the pleasure and pain, his nails digging into his palms and a massive shudder going through his hole body seeming to echo through it for a bit as he tightened around the intrusion in his ass.

“So messy, we will have to work on that,” Morris whispered just loud enough for Zed to hear before he came with a moan of his own and one last hard thrust into the younger man.

Morris took a moment to let himself come down from his orgasm before pulling out and standing up from the bed to grab some rags, glancing back to Zed on the bed, his eyes had closed, but a few tears still dripped down his cheeks and a sheen of sweat covered his pale skin. He could feel a bit of the mess leaking out of him as well as his own mess underneath of him that he had been left to lay in.

“See not so bad when you work with me,” Morris stated as he wiped up the visible mess, but leaving anything hidden below him alone not feeling like cleaning up that mess just yet,”That felt good did it not Zed?”

“Don’t call me that,” Zed whispered, his voice barely coming out and his throat sore from the mixture of crying and moans,”That is the only thing I have that’s mine,” he whispered, shivering from the cool air that was now reaching his naked body, but exhaustion was slowly seeping into his mind, his eyes shutting and breathing slowing.

“I will call you whatever I want, you are mine now,” Morris responded with a pat to Zed’s ass making him jump,”no falling asleep, I am not done with you.”

\-----

The days turned into weeks and the weeks into months for Zed, each passing hour just another that he had to suffer through this torture. Suffer through it he did, he became quiet and controlled about what he felt, what he said and how he acted through those long months. Each day was like the last as Morris insisted on ‘training’ him, and during this time had decided to keep Zed for himself, which made Zed feel even more like property than he had before.

It had helped Zed through it though to think of Shen during those dark times that he thought nothing would keep him going, and although he could not see the other everyday or even at all the memories of his kept him going, even if he had used him to get past his tension for being use for such disgusting personal pleasure, a toy or an object instead of an actual human being.

Zed had gotten used to it at this point, the touches, the sex, even the fact that Morris was doing it to him, and after about a month or so of near constant supervision Zed had finally been trusted enough to be let out of the chains, and even the metal collar that Morris was so fond of putting around his neck, but even with this freedom Zed bided his time, knowing that this new trust could be easily broken and he was still under watch. So that he did waiting watching waiting for the right moment, he was already used constantly by the other man so he might as well use this to his advantage.

When Zed had stated he would enjoy killing him, he had meant it, that rage still burned inside of him each time he was touched, each time Morris complimented him or called him beautiful it grew boiling in him until it was almost to much to hold back, but he managed to handle it somehow, enough to get some semblance of trust from the older man to allow him to move and care for himself in the small room, he was even given a small pile of books for when Morris left, and he would have left had he not had the need to kill the man. That need burned in him like the fire’s of hell had taken a spot in his soul, vengeance for taking his innocence in such a way and for using him like a toy when he was another human being.

The months passed until the night finally came to pass, Zed had managed to get his hands on a small knife, not much to the eyes but it would be enough to kill Morris. Zed had the element of surprise on his side and if the plan failed he was sure he would never get the chance again.

Currently the knife was hidden underneath the pillow of the bed for easy to access when Morris came back to the room after ‘work’ and like clockwork Morris had come into the room and undressed laying on the bed in wait, it had been his new favorite to have Zed ride him until Zed was shaking and unable to move, and Zed despised him for that, he hated his ability to hide his emotions now and how he could lose himself in the feeling of a moment instead of being focused on who he was with.

“Come now don’t make me wait so long,” Morris hummed waving Zed over to himself,”You know I don’t like waiting after such a long day at work.”

Zed nearly growled, but as usual held back his anger, no doubt the older man could see the venom in his gaze each time he looked his way, but he never had acted upon it before and Morris had grown complacent with Zed, feeling like he had broken him like a wild stallion, never assuming that one of Zed’s age would be able to control himself well enough to do this for months just to kill him, just to make the final blow against him, and gain freedom from him. Zed was seen as to innocent and pure, even after all he had done to him.

Slowly Zed moved over to him crawling onto the bed and slowly straddling his stomach. His hand slid up to underneath the pillow, as he leaned down so his face was inches from Morris’ the smell of cigar smoke and alcohol heavy on his breath making Zed want to vomit. His hand slowly closed around the blade as not to raise suspicion, making it seem like he was merely doing what Morris would want of him. Before anything else could happen though Zed slid his hand out from under the pillow knife in hand and pressed it against Morris neck, a small malicious smile flitting over his lips as he could see realization grow in the older man’s eyes.

“You were good to be true,” Morris grumbled not moving, evaluating the chance that Zed would actually slice his throat open and leave him there dead,”I never would have guessed that you would have been so resourceful, I guess my mistake with cost me won’t it?”

“I told you I would kill you and you doubted me,” Zed growled, each word filled with the venom and anger he had felt towards Morris, the anger that had grown over the last few months into a burning tempest of rage that would consume any normal person completely,”I will take your life in return for your actions.”

“Then kill me Zed,” Morris responded, seeming a bit to calm for having a knife to his throat, almost as if he didn’t believe Zed would do it,”I also took care of you, I could have thrown you to the wolves and I didn’t.”

Zed hesitated, this man had violated him and used him since the day Zed had been handed over to him like an object, and now he had the chance to end his life, but still he hesitated. He struggled with his own morals, and thoughts on killing, he had always tried to find the way out without having to kill anyone, and if he did this there was no going back, at least not with the world as it was.

“You are the wolves,” Zed growled his hand shaking slightly, knuckles turning white from the tightness of his grip,”And I am not a toy.”

“What are you waiting for, are you scared or something?” Morris snapped and glared up at him, his hands inching towards Zed without his realization,”can’t kill the big bad guy now that you have a chance too?” he was nothing but condescending towards Zed and it made his skin crawl,”You are weak, that’s all you have been an object for others pleasures and needs you know that! You could have had so much with Kusho, but here you are, because Kusho knew you corrupted his son! You corrupted Shen!”

As soon as Shen’s name was spoke a deep anger drove the knife down into his neck, Zed dug it as deep as it could go hearing the choking around it as he realized Morris had been only about a foot from grabbing him and throwing him off, but his words had pushed Zed past the wall of hesitation.

“I told you in order to break me, you would require something to break Morris,” Zed spoke, his voice cold and his red eyes holding the rage of gods,”Only one person has the power, and he already shattered everything I was” he continued dipping his fingers in the blood as the life drained from Morris’ eyes,”No one corrupted Shen, he is as pure as they come unlike me.”

Zed stood wiping a bit of the blood that had splattered onto his face when he had plunged the blade in with the back of his hand blood still on his fingers, as soon as that blade had broken skin something inside of Zed snapped and broke with it. Killing Morris felt like it was the most natural thing to do, he felt as if the spirit of vengeance herself, Kalista, had lead his hand to its mark to make him suffer for what he took from Zed, as well as trying to say that Shen was corrupted as well instead of the light at the end of this dark tunnel. Though deep down he felt like he could no longer go back to Shen without corrupting him, now that he had the blood of another on his hands.

With the blood of the dead man on his fingers Zed looked up at the wall above the bed, as he had for so many nights dreaming of his moment of escape, and brought his fingers to the plain undecorated wall writing out a message in the blood,’For those who crossed me, fear me, for it is your name next on my list.’ the red words scrawled out made Zed feel better, it was one thing for him to have the blood of a man on his hand, but knowing that he would kill again no longer felt like a burden but a gift.

Taking his time washing the blood from his hands and the splatter on himself, Zed let out a soft sigh of relief, he was finally free from Morris and his body was again his own. No one else would come looking for the dead man until morning and that gave Zed plenty of time to find some clothes and escape, it felt as if the shadow’s were tugging at him to join with them once more, like they had missed his presence, but he hadn’t felt this before he had kill Morris only after, their pull was stronger now.

There were clothes of his size in one of the dressers in the room, many of them unused having been placed there for him at an earlier time having seen no reason to put them on until he was planning on escaping or in the process of doing it already as he was in that moment. They fit a bit loosely considering he had lost some weight over the last few months but they would work for the time being. Looking around the room once more Zed let himself smile for once, blood had dried into the sheets and his body lay limp and naked just where he was killed. There was no going back from this now, if he was caught again he would surely be killed, but now he knew he was capable of leaving his mark on the world.

With that thought on his mind Zed let the shadows swallow him, he traveled much quicker like this, slinking through the darkness. Making sure he was in a hidden alley before leaving the embrace of the shadows. Zed was panting softly a bit exhausted from traveling it had been a long time since he had been able to use the shadows. 

It was a bit chilly outside but it wasn’t quite winter yet which bode well for him. The place he had come out was near an old meet-up place Kyne had made with one of her contacts, though he didn’t know if he would be able to get into the underground meeting place on his own, it was the best chance he had of getting to the rebellion, to become a part of it and hopefully one day return to Shen as an equal.


	4. Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shen learns the truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry if this chapter isn't as good as the others, a lot of shitty life stuff came up when I was writing it.  
> I will try to keep updating, and honestly will probably go through to edit this chapter again once I am in a better mind set.  
> Thank you all for reading!

The few months following Kyne’s death had left Shen a shell of what he was before, to Zed it had seemed like he had distanced himself from him but in reality Shen had distanced himself from everyone. The mixture of Zed snapping at him, Kyne’s death at his father's hand, and the fact that he had almost kissed Zed in the attic had left his mind a chaotic mess that he couldn’t reorganize into the collected mess of thoughts it had been before that night.

In truth he hadn’t meant to push Zed so far away, but Shen couldn’t help but think he needed the space after Kyne had died, it had visibly left him cold and empty except for those late nights Shen had found him at her grave. He had only went a few a times to watch him talk to her, never close enough to hear what he was saying just close enough to watch, to remember the heat of the other man’s body near his own, the friendship they had once shared before life had caught up with them.

Shen no longer wanted to live by and let his father control his life, he was left in a dark place where he wanted to move forward in his life, but he was afraid that even an attempt without it being in the direction his father wanted would end up with him locked in his room until his father died. It left Shen with a feeling of worthlessness that he didn’t know how to deal with, he couldn't help Zed without his father breathing down his neck, and he couldn’t argue with his father unless he wanted to end up with no life past his bedroom doors.

Coming around to a year after the accident Shen had finally breached that fear of defying his father, not realizing how his change in attitude had affected Zed from a long year of silence and avoidance.

Approaching his father’s office had been hard on its own, Shen’s heart was racing and he nervously rubbed his hands together, the worst that could happen was getting locked in his room until his father died, so the least he could do was stand up to his father and try to make life for Zed easier, the man he had undoubtedly fallen hard for.

The knock on the door seemed to echo through the empty hallway and the silence for the moments afterwards made Shen want to run away with his tail in between his legs, forcing himself to stay put when Kusho spoke finally telling him to come in. The door squeaked slightly on its hinges as Shen slowly opened it meeting his father's impatient gaze and quickly stepping it in and closing it behind him.

“Yes Shen?” Kusho asked with a raised eyebrow, it was unlike Shen to approach him like this.

“Father, this needs to stop,” Shen stated his voice shaking slightly and losing some of its strength as he quickly let the words slip out before he could back out.

“What needs to change?” She had Kusho’s full attention now and that dark gaze was locked on him with that full attention which made Shen’s heart feel like it stopped in his chest.

“The servants are not servants they are slaves, and they aren’t even treated like people it’s wrong and it needs to change,” Shen’s words came out quickly and he needed to take a breath afterwards from how quickly he had spoke them, averting his own gaze from his father.

“Shen, you know that isn’t true we are taking the homeless and giving them homes, giving them purpose,” Kusho responded with a frown, the irritation obvious in his voice,”We save them.”

“No, we have caused them to lash out at us, this isn’t right it is wrong!” Shen responded, he should have expected his father to say something in that matter and in upset him, some of that old fire lighting in his chest from when he was a child, or maybe it was the fact that with the way things were he would never be able to be with Zed,”And it isn’t just the homeless it is people who defy your word! You have gone to far!”

“Who put these thoughts in your head Shen?” Kusho asked as he sat back, their gazes meeting once more and the fiery rage that burned in his father's eyes almost matched the passion he could feel building in his own chest,”Because whoever did it is a lier.”

“No one did, I can see it with my own eyes, you have become a sick twisted monster of the man you once were and it is wrong,” Shen responded with a huff,”I think instead of fighting the rebellion you should help it!”

“Its Zed isn’t it, that mongrel put these thoughts in your head didn’t he?” Kusho was ignoring Shen’s words at these point which just managed to anger his son farther,”I knew it was a bad idea letting the two of you grow up together, Zed was probably corrupted by Kyne long before any of this.”

“Listen to what I am saying!” Shen yelled slamming his hands on the desk causing a glass near the edge of the old thing to fall and shatter on the ground,”I am saying this of my own free will! Zed has nothing to do with this!” it would have been a convincing lie had Shen’s voice not faltered in the middle of saying Zed’s name, in truth this was mostly because of Zed just not in the way his father was suggesting.

“Why do you insist on lying on that little shits behalf, did you know he still visits Kyne’s grave? Did you know that he speaks of you? Did you know he is planning on betraying me just like she did?” it happened so rarely that when Kusho raised his voice at Shen the young man had to take a step back from his father, shock written on his face.

“I.. he doesn’t talk to me father how would I know these things?” Shen asked most of his previous rage washed away with fear and confusion,”He did not tell me to do this, I swear,” he couldn’t help but try and protect Zed the best he could, it was all he had.

“Then why, why would you say such things when you know the truth?” Kusho asked, he had stood and was walking slowly over to Shen with a scrutinizing gaze,”Why would you, my son, tell me what I am doing for these people is wrong, what could be this spirit forsaken reason for you to defy me in such a way?”

Kusho had stopped a mere few inches away from his son, their eyes locked in a battle for knowledge and strength and Shen couldn’t help feel proud of himself for how long he had stood against his father.

“I don’t want to marry and have a family,” Shen stated softly and honestly as he bowed his head, he couldn’t say he was stronger than his father, because he wasn’t, so hiding the truth was futile,”I want to end class seperation, I want.. I want to be with the man I fell in love with.”

“You don’t know what love is,” Kusho snapped his hand connecting with Shen’s face and knocking him back,”Neither of you do, and I will make sure that this hold that mongrel has over you will never be for his use again!”

Shen held his hand to his face as he leaned against the wall eyes wide with shock,”I told you he ha…”

“Shut-up you insolent child!” Kusho yelled before Shen could even finish the thought,”I gave you everything and this is what I get in return! How dare you? How dare he?!”

Kusho had stepped forward so he was in front of Shen again, who was holding his cheek which was turning red from how hard his father had slapped him, not saying another word knowing he wouldn’t get anything else out with the state his father was in hoping he was calm enough not to do anything brash.

“To your room child, if you wish to defy me then I will have many more words for you,” Kusho growled leaving the office in a storm the door slamming behind him as he left mumbling something about corruption and love.

Shen could do nothing but listen to his father’s orders, he would have pushed farther if he had not feared his father’s wrath to come down upon him. In his room he sat in quiet contemplation of what he had done, having no idea what was happening near Kyne’s grave or the fact that Zed would no longer be around.

\----

It took Shen only a few days to notice Zed’s absence, even locked away in his room he had always had kept an eye out for the other in the gardens are walking out in the hallway. Without him there the house felt empty, and each day that passed with no sign of him grew made the world feel less worth it. With no idea of what happened to Zed, Shen could only assume his father had gotten rid of him, and it was his own fault, had he just kept his mouth shut Zed would have been just fine.

Shen tried not to dwell on what might of happened to Zed, though the thoughts were always there in the back of his mind, knowing all the ways that his father could have dealt with it and not a one of them pleasant. Any attempt to talk to his father about it alway ended with Shen being yelled at to leave it alone, each time extending the time he was locked away in his room with his studies of the spirit world. 

Focusing on his studies was one of the few things that kept Shen even partially sane, his mind on the books that were left for him from his father and the new servants that had been brought into the house, each one of them older and followed direction better than a well trained hunting hound, and each one as loyal as the next, having been told not to talk to Shen or even be friendly with him. The routine was the same each day, wake up to an empty lonely room, study the books that had been so curtly left for him, as well as eat the food that was delivered to him, and sleep. 

Each day turned into weeks and months, with no clue on if Zed was even alive any longer Shen decided the only way to find out was to behave, he may have grown into fine young man, independant and full of opinions, but he knew that he could not beat his father head on. 

Shen made many plans late into the nights, each one a little bit more bizarre than the last, but each one falling short of what he knew he couldn’t do, or wasn’t willing to do and that was to kill his father, not only did he not think he could do it physically, but emotionally either, as wrong as he felt his father was, he still felt like he could change, or see the error in his way, it was still his father, the man he had once looked up too.

As the weeks began to turn into months, Shen slept less and less, his mind was lost to his studies during the day and at night he could not seem to get his mind off of finding out the truth, whether that be making plans to find out if Zed was still alive, or a way to escape and help the rebellion he had learned of in the quiet whispers of the servants before they had been replaced.

This night though felt different, the memories of the attic plagued his mind, how close he had gotten to kissing Zed in the moment. Shen could still feel the warmth of the other as if it was happening in the moment when he closed his eyes, the way Zed had looked panicked by how close they were, but the look of want he swore he saw in the other’s eyes. He could remembered the fact that Zed could have pushed him away, but instead let him get closer, those eyes avoiding his gaze or else they would have given away what Shen was already sure were shared feelings.Shen felt regret for that night, had he ignored the bang and instead used the startling sound to kiss Zed, then maybe he would have been able to help him instead of dooming him. 

Shen couldn’t help it as is mind slowly drifted from memory to fantasy, the way he imagined Zed’s lips would have felt against his own, he had always been well groomed even after Kyne’s death and he imagined him to smell just as good as he looked. It didn’t take long for Shen’s mind to go deeper into these thoughts, each one falling farther into more perverse trains of thought. The thought of touching Zed’s smooth skin, if it would be warm just like the heat it gave off or cool to the touch like the shadows that surrounded him. Those piercing red eyes looking at him as he slowly undressed, how he looked under the clothes was no mystery to Shen though, he had seen him shirtless countless times working outside in the heat and even naked a few times when he had walked in on him in the bath, claiming it was an accident though the last few times were far from it.

Suddenly glad he had gotten dressed for bed already, Shen could feel himself growing hard at just the thoughts of that naked body coming closer, to being able to touch it and hold it close. Shen had not had thoughts like this, and the new feeling was growing in his stomach as he wished he had access to experiencing these fantasies instead of just imagining them.

Slowly slipping his hands into his pants as he had many times before, but each time before having been to get rid of his urges, the time it was giving into those urges.Shen closed his eyes as his hand wrapped around his half hard erection as the images in his mind continued to roll.

By no means was Shen innocent, he had many times before fully coming around to his feelings for Zed snuck off with the neighbors daughter, and not to long after her older brother to do things that his father would no doubt hate them for, considering Kusho saw his son as nothing but a pure soul, unable to make his own decisions and corrupted by those around him, not by his own wants or needs.

Shen slowly began to move his hand, eyes still closed as he pictured Zed now in bed with him, both of them naked and bodies touching, closer than he would want to be with anyone else again. The warmth of his lips, that he would more than likely never feel, the way that those lips parted nipping at his chin and kissing down his body, hand calloused but gentle against Shen’s body and Shen wishing he could pull him close and kiss him, but it was pushed to the side as he met gazes with those crimson eyes as the images faded off before Zed took him in his mouth, eyes still closed as his hand moved quicker. Precum had dripped onto his hand and his hips had begun to buck up with each movement as he came closer to his orgasm.

“Zed,” Shen moaned softly as he came his hand slowing to a stop as all the fantasies became distant memories in his tired mind, each one its own little beacon in the distance, hope that the other was still alive out there.

Laying there for a few minutes, Shen enjoyed the feeling of relaxation that was over him like a soft knitted blanket, finally getting up to clean himself up and lay back down with guilt for having gotten off at the thought of Zed, who may have possibly been killed because of him, but at the same time he couldn’t believe his father would send Zed to his death no matter how crazy he was. Shen didn’t lay there contemplating it for long, his exhausted and mind slipping into the best sleep he had gotten in what felt like ages.

\----

It was weeks later that Shen was actually allowed out of his room his quiet and withdrawn behavior seen as a good sign from his over controlling father. He still was not allowed to leave the house, though being able to wander helped with his ideas of a plan, now he had more options, even if most of his most viable idea’s still ended with his father's death or imprisonment. 

The silence in the house was almost as telling as if someone had been yelling, the usual chattering of the servants with one another or the sound of movements in the house seemed to keep Shen from his thoughts. They had finished dinner hours before and he knew his father had a visitor in his office, and from the way the two had been talking at the dinner table the matter was a serious matter that directly concerned his father.

Shen wasn’t very good at being subtle, but luckily this time around he didn’t have to be considering the halls were empty probably at his father's request so no one could overhear their conversation, in that case Shen wondered if his father had forgotten he had allowed him to leave his room again.

Stepping up to the door Shen could hear them easily through the door, the visitor was Nala, the hostess at the hotel down the street, or the woman who ran the front desk at the brothel, as Kyne had referred to her many times before her death, he could remember the spite in her voice if she had been standing right next to him. From the voice through the door it seems like they had just sat down and began to talk, probably after some business of a more personal and intimate nature.

“So Nala,” Kusho cleared his voice and shuffle around inside of the office,”What was the important matter you came to speak to me about?”

“The important matter you so hastily shoved to the side until it was more convenient to you,” Nala responded her voice in no way gentle, but very strong and demanding respect in its own way.

“What can I say, Shen had been more than a handful lately,” Kusho chuckled and sat back,”But its been better, I think he is beginning to understand.”

“Yeah, yeah whatever,” Nala responded, you could here the roll of her eyes in her voice,”This is a matter of life and death, and by that I mean yours, not mine,” she stated as if it meant nothing to her.

“Okay, what happened, spit it out?” Kusho replied a bit more serious, Shen could only listen a bit confused as to what could possibly threaten his father's life.

“Morris is dead,” Nala answered with a soft sigh,”I found him in his room this morning, I will leave out the details of the mess that was made of the bed.”

“I mean he was older, and had enemies it was expected to happen sooner or later,” Kusho responded with a soft sigh, the tension seeming to ebb out of his voice, on the other hand Shen tensed up he didn’t know that name, but then again he didn’t know many of the people his father talked to ignoring them most days because they tended to share similar opinions as his father.

“No Kusho, he was dead and Zed was gone,” Nala sighed, a bit of defeat slipping into her voice,”There was a note written on Morris’ blood on the wall, and I think Zed is the one that killed him.”

Kusho didn’t respond, there was a quiet shuffling and Shen could only assume panic considering his breathing was no longer as smooth as it was, but Shen wasn’t thinking about that, he was more focused on the fact that Zed had been brought up, and what things Zed was being accused of doing. Shen wasn’t sure if he could believe the same person he nearly kissed in the attic could kiss someone, but the dark person he saw him turn into might be able to.

“You think,” Kusho stopped seeming to have to think about his words, Shen being shaken from his thoughts at his father’s voice,”You think Zed killed Morris, how? Morris would have never given him the chance?”

“I don’t know if you realize this but Morris had grown quite fond of him, a bit to lenient if you ask me,” Nala answered, her voice growing slightly softer,”He planned on keeping him for himself.”

“Idiot,” Kusho growled under his breath the sounds of papers and drawers opening as he was looking for something,”I should have thought about this, I am an idiot as well,” he muttered.

“I doubt he will come back Kusho, but I thought of warning you considering you were the one to put him there,” Nala responded.

Shen began to think of all of the implications of this as he realized who Morris was, and what he did for a living and it made him shudder just thinking about it, the larger man hadn’t come around very often, but he could remember now catching him talking to his father about Zed when they were younger, disgusting things, that his father had at the time said no too. But the thought alone of Zed being used for someone else’s pleasure against his will made Shen shudder with anger.

“The note,” Kusho said suddenly, his voice tense,”What did the note say, that will tell us something about where he plans to go next does it not?”

“The note said,” Nala paused as if trying to remember the exacts of it before continuing slowly,” ‘For those who crossed me’” she stopped for a moment,”’fear me, for it is your name next on the list.’ that’s what it said, so I mean unless he had a personal vendetta against Shen or someone here besides you, I am pretty sure it’s for you Kusho.”

“Anyone could have wrote that,” Kusho stated letting out a soft breath, obviously not comforted by his own statement,”Like I said Morris had plenty of enemies.”

“Zed was the only one allowed in that room with him Kusho, it was under watch constantly, we actually have no idea how he would have even left without being noticed,” Nala responded with a soft sigh,”Morris had just gone in to have his nightly sex with Zed Kusho, all of the evidence points to him.”

“Fuck!” Kusho hissed, Shen could hear something slamming against the desk, most likely his fist,”I knew I was going to regret this I should have just killed him, this is what I get for being merciful.”

“I will leave you to it then Kusho, you are the only one who can protect yourself from this one, he was made by your hand,” Nala stated, the light footsteps making Shen book it down the hallway and for his room, not wanting them to know he had heard the hole conversation.

Panting softly by the time he reached his room, Shen had time to sit down and think about what he had heard. Zed was alive, he was unsure of where he was now, but should still be alive, and that news all on its own was enough to make Shen want to drop everything to go search for him. On the other hand where Zed had been made Shen hate his father a little bit more, from what he had pieced together Zed had been used as someone’s personal sex toy since he disappeared, and it had driven Zed over the edge to kill a man and escape, though Shen still had a hard time pictureing Zed killing anyone.

Shen looked down at his own hands, clean of anyone's blood, unlike his fathers, and now apparently Zed’s,”I am sorry Zed, I will find you and make this better, I promise it by the moon and the sun, by both the stars and the clouds, I will fix my mistakes and take your actions as if they were my own,” Shen didn’t know why he said it outloud, but it felt right at that moment, as if he was more connected to Zed than he had been since Kyne’s death.

With his new goal in mind, and his feelings for Zed renewed and at full force, Shen went to bed, knowing he would need all of his energy if he was going to come up with even an inkling of a plan


	5. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shen learns the truth from his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking longer than usual, and hopefully i will have the next chapter out in a timely matter to continue for all of you wonderful people that have been reading it!  
> Also sorry for this one being a bit shorter.

The months that followed Shen’s discovery, Kusho had become even more overbearing and protective, going through lengths to hide the truth and events from Shen, unknown to him that his son already knew. Shen had forced himself to keep his knowledge secret, wanting to confront his father at every turn, wanting to question what he did everytime he told him to do something, but he didn’t.

Shen devoted himself to his own cause, though from an outside point of view he was just being obedient to his father, carefully using his studies to mask the planning that was happening every time his father turned away. This devotion towards finding Zed and making things right began to sap away all other feeling besides determination and those strong feeling towards Zed, his own father noticing the way Shen had fully accepted the way life was meant to be lived rather than how he had wished it to be when he was younger, the dark truth of how cruel and nightmarish the real world was.

Through all of this though, each time Shen had come up with a plan he could not go through with it, months turned to years of him planning and failing to go through with said plans. Each plan being fully planned out and Shen just couldn’t, he couldn’t defy his father, especially with his failing health and age. Kusho had begun to show his age, his father put up a good front but in reality the man could barely stand straight on his own anymore.

Guilt, it was all Shen felt anymore. After years of failed plan, after years of wishing he could just find and save Zed, after years of letting his father control his life, and after years of watching his own sanity begin to falter, Shen could feel nothing but guilt for his inability to do anything right.

This day was no different to him, sitting at the office desk he had seen his father sit at so many times before, his pen to a piece of paper and his father resting on the small couch in the room. Yet again staring at the empty paper knowing he needed to write something but he couldn’t quite bring himself to fully do it.

A soft snore from his father caught Shen’s attention and he sighed, it had only been hours before that they had heard news of another assassination, and none of the murders could be pinned to anyone or anything, it was as if the shadows had killed each one, and his father was sleeping instead of assisting him in finding the murderer. Shaking his head he pressed the pen to the paper leaving a small dot on it but nothing more before he let it fall to the desk, having nothing to write to the family of the murdered.

Placing his head in his hands Shen shook his head feeling a bit defeated, each kinkou member that had been slain in the same way, throat slit by a blade as sharp as an executioner's axe and then left to pool under their bodies.

“You are disturbed by the murders then?” Kusho’s voice startled Shen, who lifted his head to look at his father who had woken and was looking at him with the patience he had had when Shen was younger, before all of this mess was truly evident to him,”I did not think you had turned so cold not to be.”

“No,” Shen answered honestly,”I just wish to end them, find who did it.”

“Of course,” Kusho responded and slowly sat up, grunting softly as it took him a moment to do so his entire body seeming to creak under the pressure of movement,”It is not a bad thing to catch a murderer.”

Shen nodded but didn’t respond staring down at the blank piece of paper again, it hadn’t been a lie, each of the kinkou members who had been slain had been doing less preferable things, they had been ones to mistreat servants, the strongest forces against the rebellion, or just sick mad people. Even if Kusho had tried to hide it from Shen, Shen knew who these people were and he felt no sympathy towards their deaths, actually a bit amused by their deaths. 

Slowly his thoughts when back to the one thing that marked each of these as murders by the same assassin, the one thing the shadow left at the scene of each murder, a counter. The first had not been very noticeable, in the victim's blood two marks had been left on the wall near where they had been killed, the next had three, and so on, each time he killed he left the tally of how many times he had killed in his victims blood on the wall.

“Why did he start at two?” Shen asked himself with a growl as he realized that they hadn’t left just one mark, he looked up at his father as he realized the older man had been staring at him,”The marks, the only thing the assassin leaves, they started with two marks, why?”

Kusho’s aged face had become more gentle over the years, he had let many of the servants go on and live a life, he had begun to atone for mistakes that he had felt he had made over the years, he had even stopped pestering Shen about marrying a nice woman and starting a family, but never once had he brought up what he had done to Zed.

Slowly his father stood and sat down in the chair on the other side of the desk, a soft look of defeat on his face, it made no sense to Shen as to why he would have that look.

“Why don’t you help me with this more, instead of sleeping and jeopardizing any chance we have of finding him they could come after you, they could come after me, we are,” Shen stopped,”You are the leader of the Kinkou order and this is obviously a rebellion assassin,” his voice carried an amount of hesitation in it as he said the words, Shen had done everything short of becoming the actual leader since his father had gotten older, and it worried him to be in that position.

“There is a file,” Kusho whispered pointing across the room at a locked cabinet that Shen had never been given access to,”and something I must tell you, for I have already accepted my death is coming, and it is my own doing,” he placed a small key on the desk for Shen.

Shen nodded slowly, there were many secrets that his father had hid from him, many that he had known, and many he still didn’t. Taking the key he stood slowly and walked over to the cabinet, the key slipping into the lock easily and clicking open, the sound seeming almost monumental in the silence of the room. Inside there was only one file, thicker than most of the others Kusho had kept in his organized office.

“Bring it here Shen,” Kusho ordered, his voice not holding the same command as it had years before, but his son still listened carrying the unmarked file back over to the desk and setting it down gently.

Sitting down once more Shen looked up at his father without touching the items on the desk, waiting for the old man to tell him what it was.

“I regret many things I have done,” Kusho said softly,”I regret one thing above all else, and the world to put things back into balance has made me suffer for this decision,” he stopped to take in a deep breath,”I don’t want the killer to be found, because I already know who it is.”

“What!” Shen growled anger slipping into his voice as he stared his father down from across the desk,”You know who it is and you just keep letting your colleagues, your friends die!”

“Open the folder,” Kusho responded calmly seeming unphased by his sons anger.

Reaching forward Shen opened the folder, the first thing in it being a photo, a few years old at least and a bloody scene that Shen had never once thought he would imagine seeing. It was a photo of the spelled out message on the wall in a mans blood, the one Zed had left for Kusho all those years before.

“He started at two because that was number one,” Kusho spoke softly, answering Shen’s question he had asked earlier,”Zed…” his words seemed to get caught in his throat,”this folder has everything in it related to Zed, everything he was, everything he had become, a reminder of the mistake I made all those years ago.”

“I know what you did, I have known for a long time now,” Shen responded softly setting the photo to the side to find a drawing of a child, one Zed had drawn all those years ago and had given to Kyne,”I know you gave,” he swallowed back the rage his felt in his stomach,”You gave him to Morris, and he killed him.”

Kusho bowed his head and nodded,”I had hoped you would never learn about what I did, I had hoped to erase him from your life, but I made a mistake and now, now it will result in my death, and I have accepted that, I could not accept leaving you without this knowledge, without knowing that the balance of our home and our lives is lost because of me.”

Shen couldn’t stay mad at his father with the way his voice held the sound of defeat and pain, it couldn’t hold a candle to the feeling of grief he felt towards the fact that he had let Zed down once again.

“You must become the Eye of Twilight, the leader the kinkou needs,” Kusho stated softly picking up the drawn picture that Shen had set to the side as he looked at more of the stuff in the folder,”I should have listened to you all those years ago Shen, you had wisdom beyond your age, but it is to late now, you must stop Zed, you must make sure the balance remains after I die.”

Running his fingers over a very old photo of him and Zed as children he sighed and set it down to the side, Shen’s hand lingering on it for a moment for pulling away,”I… will, but I will not kill him.”

“I know you won’t as I know that he won’t kill you,” Kusho stated softly,”you have both changed so much, and I worry that I made a mistake that cannot be fixed, but I do know one thing.”

“And what is that?” Shen asked, none of this information was truly new to Shen, but hearing Kusho tell him, made the world grow a little brighter, his heart holding onto a little glimmer of hope through all of the grief that maybe one day he would finally be with Zed again.

“You still love him,” Kusho responded, leaning back slightly in the chair,”I knew you had loved him all those years ago, and you never lost that flame though it has dimmed over the years.”

Shen was a bit taken aback by the statement from hi father, his gaze locked onto the older man with a look of something between surprise and confusion.

“How could you know that?” Shen asked after a moment of silence, keeping his gaze locked on Kusho, the look hardening a bit,”it is not knowledge anyone knew.”

“I know what love looks like Shen, the way your eyes lit up when you saw the pictures of him, the way you speak as if you would protect him from the world, you say so little, but it says it all,” Kusho took a breath to speak once more,”When you have children you just know.”

Looking away Shen sighed softly,”I could never forget him,” he responded honestly,”He never left my mind.”

“I cannot tell you if he feels the same about you now as he did back then, but I do know that he will come here to kill me, and you will let him,” Kusho stated softly,”but I am fairly positive that only can stop him from killing further, so you must try.”

“We could save you,” Shen stated softly, knowing it was just a hopeful thought because Kusho would be dead by the time he found Zed, but he could hope for the happy family he had once believed in.

“No, I wish to die,” Kusho whispered bowing his head,”It is the only way for me to ask for forgiveness from Zed, and I accept that.”

“You,” Shen was going to argue instead shaking his head and looking away,”there is no better way?”

“No, but before any of this, I must ask you my son, that I have treated so poorly and tried to control where I should have let you go free,” Kusho’s voice had become slightly louder though it was shaking a bit,”Can you forgive me?”

“I want to say no,” Shen answered and he could swear he saw his father cringe in the corner of his eye,”But you have tried to atone, I have seen that, and my heart says no other than to forgive you, so that is what I will do.”

“That is all that this old man could hope for, thank you Shen, thank you my son.”


	6. Emptiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zed has finally made it to the rebellion, but he just cannot accept it as his home and begins training as an assassin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter they are reunited I swear!  
> Sorry for another short chapter, I am hoping for a longer one next time.   
> I am sorry I suck so bad at updating right now. ;-;

The rebellion had offered Zed a home without hesitation, even after almost a year after Kyne’s death many still remembered her kind words about Zed in her reports. Zed had become part of the rebellion officially now, and even with a place to call home, a place he could be safe, he felt restless. The blood on his hands, his feelings for Shen, and the emptiness that had made its home in his chest all kept him from truly being able to let go.

With the restlessness came a coldness that no one else was willing to address Zed about, once he had been asked what happened and his response had been simply it is none of their business, but the way he had said it had terrified those that had heard it. 

It had been the leader of the rebellion, Irelia, that had finally broken the silence that surrounded Zed, seeing the broken man that had come to them, and knowing the feeling that sat in his chest feeling it herself more often than not.

“Zed,” Irelia’s voice was soft not needing to be loud in the near silent room, anyone that had been in there had left when Zed had entered.

Zed looked up at her, his red eyes seeming to hold the abyss in them,”Yes?” he asked, his voice no louder than a whisper, having spoke very little to anyone since he had gotten there, feeling no need to.

“You know who I am correct?” Irelia asked in response, leaning forward slowly, sitting across the table from the man, blue eyes meeting his gaze without any hesitation.

“Yes, Irelia, I know who you are,” Zed answered holding her gaze, a thing many had a hard time doing knowing her past and why she had taken lead of the rebellion even having grown up a noble,”Now what is it that you want?” his tone was a bit harsh, but no one spoke to him unless they wanted something.

“I was going to make you an offer,” Irelia responded, getting to the point knowing that beating around the bush with Zed would only end in him walking away,”You are terrifying people moping around here.”

Zed didn’t respond instead looking down at the table they were sitting at, tracing the lines in worn would with his finger. Irelia was right and he knew it, he had made sure no one would want to approach him, being as cold as possible, as unapproachable as he could be, not wanting to address his past with anyone, not even himself.

“In Kyne’s reports,” Irelia hesitated for a moment, when Zed looked back up at her with the mention of Kyne,”She said she was training you with the shadows, she said you were a natural.”

“What does that matter?” Zed snapped, regretting it afterwards, Irelia didn’t deserve his anger anymore than the people who had tried to reach out to him when he first arrived,”It’s not like its worth anything.”

“Zed, I know what you did before you got here, I know where you were,” Irelia stated harshly,”Kyne didn’t want you to have blood on your hands like she did, but its a little late for that.”

“How the hell could you know what happened to me!” Zed growled his voice raising and eyes filling with the same venom that he held in his heart towards the kinkou and the man he had killed,”You weren't there!”

Irelia visibly flinched back at the raise in his voice, her own eyes hardening as she responded,”Because I had people track you Zed, Kyne had cared so much about you that when she died, she left protection in place,” Irelia snapped back,”I was in the process of planning a way to save you from the man’s possession!”

Zed flinched much more visibly at the raised voice, turning his head away as he cowered back slightly at the words. Each word that came from Irelia made Zed want to curl up into himself like a child once more, though he did not move any farther.

“But then you killed him on your own,” Irelia finished, her voice lowering to its normal tone,”You saved yourself, you showed you were resourceful on your own.”

“What is your offer Irelia?” Zed asked softly after silence had rested between them for a few minutes.

“You are restless here, and good,” Irelia hesitated, she hated having to have assassins, but they were necessary to win the war,”Good assassins are hard to come by and I think with a little bit more training you could be a phenomenal one.”

Contemplating the offer, Zed sat quietly thinking over all that that would mean, and what he could do with that, he could fulfill the promise of death he had left on the wall in Morris’ blood, and he could maybe one day go back to Shen though he was sure the other man would never want to see him again.

“On one condition,” Zed responded after minutes of quiet contemplation,”I choose my targets.”

“I can work with that,” Irelia answered with a sad smile meeting his gaze once more,”welcome to the rebellion Zed.”

\----

Zed devoted himself to his training, the shadows seeming to accept him as one of their own before long. The hard part was learning to use them in such a way to be untraceable by any means. It was just learning how to use the shadows though, he had never really been taught how to fight, or how to kill.

Where many of the decent assassins of the rebellion had been training since they were children to kill, Zed had not, but yet he excelled. His ability to lock out his emotions, his focus and his determination all pushed him forward. The training that could take many decades of their lives to become masters at he learned in a few years.

Even after years of training with the same people, Zed still had not opened up to anyone about his past, the events that had led up to this part of his life. Even if Irelia had known at least a little bit of what had happened she still had admitted to not knowing the full story, but she had never pushed the subject.

After years of training, Zed had finally been told they thought he was ready for his first job, his first kill, and he did no favor of telling them it would not be his first.

The quiet knock on his door startled Zed out of his own thoughts, staring at the wooden object that kept people out of his room before the soft knock came again.

“Come in,” Zed spoke quietly, letting out a slow breath knowing it was probably someone wanting to talk to him about either the target he had picked to kill later that night or to give him a last few pointers before he took his ‘first’ life.

Slowly the door creaked open and one of his teachers poked his head around the door a bit timidly, before coming into the room fully.

“Good evening Gailen,” Zed said softly once he heard the door shut behind his teacher.

“Good evening Zed,” Gailen responded with a slight bow of his head, the man was very timid and shy and had it not been for the fact that he had been using the shadows to gather intel for years he would have never been involved in training Zed, the man was no killer.

“What did you need?” Zed asked with a soft sigh, out of all of the people he would of thought he would see before leaving Gailen was not one of them.

“I wanted to to talk to you before you left, see how you were feeling,” Gailen answered honestly,”May I sit?” he asked motioning towards the edge of the bed Zed was sitting on.

“Yes, you may,” Zed responded simply, nodding slightly before looking away, the current feeling of emptiness in his chest a bit overwhelming.

“So, how are you feeling?” Gailen asked after situating himself on the edge of the bed, looking up at the young man besides him with a bit of worry in his eyes.

“I am not,” Zed responded softly and honestly, Gailen had been nothing but kind to him even through his angry outbursts and the rage that would prevent him from properly using his natural abilities, there was no reason to lie to him, pretend he was feeling something other than his usual pain.

Gailen bowed his head with a sigh,”I know you.. Don’t want to talk about it,” he stated softly, his voice hesitant,”But I knew Kyne and I know that she wouldn’t have wanted this for you,’ the words came out in a rush looking up at Zed before turning away timidly, Zed was no longer his student.

“Its to late for that Gailen,” Zed responded softly, a bit surprised the other man had went out of his way to try and sway Zed from his path,”I only have this path.”

“Killing won't make you whole again Zed,” Gailen stated with a soft sigh,”There are other things you can do, you have other paths.”

Shaking his head Zed bowed his head with a sigh of his own,”No Gailen, I was never whole to begin with, I do this, because someone needs to.”

“But it doesn't have to be you, I know you have a kind heart, I know you are a kind person with so many option in front of you!” it was the first time Zed had ever heard Gailen raise his voice, and the words made Zeds heart sink.

“Gailen,” Zed stopped him before he kept going finally looking up to meet his eyes, sadness sitting in the red, something no one in the rebellion had seen from him before,”Please, don’t care about me, it only ends in death.”

Gailen stopped speaking, the pain of the words showing visibly on his face,”Someone out there has to care about you Zed, and I can’t stop, somewhere in there I know you have a reason to not do this.”

Zed looked away memories of Shen lingering at the edge of his thoughts, his heart seeming to break once again knowing that he already ruined the chance of returning to him,”I already lost that reason,” he said softly, a small tear slipping from the corner of his eye,”Now I seek vengeance.”

“Zed,” Gailen whispered reaching to place a hand on Zed shoulder only to have it pushed away.

“Please leave Gailen, I do not wish to talk about it,” Zed responded looking up to meet Gailen’s gaze, his own showing only a moment more of his sadness before hardening.

“Just remember,” Gailen spoke softly as he stood,”there are people out there that would die for you,” he left with that, leaving the statement hanging in the air for Zed, the young man's chest tight with memories.

Once Zed heard Gailen’s footsteps fade off into the distance, tears began to slip from his eyes, even after years of pushing down his emotions, trying to forget about them he couldn’t. Shen was still the only reason he kept moving forward, day after day he was the reason why he kept getting out of bed. He had thought his love for him would fade, but it had only become stronger over the years and it terrified him. He had already killed, in his eyes he had already ruined all chances of returning to Shen and being accepted back by him, not only was he ruined by the way Morris had used him, but he had blood on his hands.

“I’m sorry Shen,” Zed whispered wiping away the tears, and taking a deep breath, unsure of why saying the words aloud helped calm him but it did ”Even after all these years I cannot forget you, I cannot let go of my memories of you, I cannot stop loving you.”


	7. Home Again

Killing felt natural to Zed, and each time he killed it got easier to ignore the aching feeling of guilt in his stomach. Each time he killed he left a mark near the body, adding a new mark for each victim keeping track of how many people he had killed. It was less of a tally on how good he was becoming and more of a reminder that he was human just like them, even if they were terrible human beings he would not forget a single one.

It was a promise not only to himself, but to those he killed, a promise he had made with his first kill. Each target abused their power, and Zed had watched each one for days before killing them just to be sure of this fact, refusing to kill those undeserving. Those that were deserving of death received that, and the mark of how many had come before them.

The most recent kill had left many of the rebellion rejoicing and celebrating the death of such a high figure in the Kinkou, all it did for Zed is secure who his next target was. Zed knew that going through with this kill was going to be hard, it was one that many before him had failed, and if he failed there was a good chance that death himself would take the target for his own.

Zed’s conversation with Irelia had been brief on the target, her hesitation understandable considering Zed’s personal connection to the target, but he refused to back down, it was time for him to go for Kusho, to finish what Kyne and many before her had started. It was finally time to return to the place this had all started, and the way he secretly hoped to see Shen made his heart flutter. Irelia had agreed even with hesitation, a bit of worry in her voice as she let Zed go to prepare.

The change in his mood was noticeable almost immediately, the way Zed held himself high, his eyes no longer cold and empty, but the hope making them brighten up in a way no one ever thought they could. In Zed’s heart, even if his mind would tell him Shen would never accept him with the blood on his hands, Zed could feel the love, he wasn’t paying mind to the reason why he would be there, just that he would and after years of being apart he may finally be able to see Shen again.

Not paying attention to much than his own thoughts Zed ran into Gailen on his way back to his room, offering the older man a hand up and averting his gaze, he hadn’t talked to him past necessity since he had tried to convince Zed not to kill.

“Sorry,” Zed mumbled, his hair falling in his face as he looked away, Gailen accepting the offered hand.

“Don’t be sorry for an accident Zed,” Gailen mumbled straightening his shirt out and looking up at Zed,”But it is rare for you to not be aware of what’s going on around you,” he pointed out.

“I was distracted, I have big,” Zed hesitated for a moment as he withheld the true reason for his distraction,”I have a big target coming up and I was very deep in thought about it,” the words came out in a rush as he let them out in one big breath.

Their eyes met after a moment and Gailen couldn’t help but smirk,”I doubt that’s what it is but if you say so,” he chuckled, not pushing the subject farther, even if Zed had refused to listen to his advice and thoughts, he couldn’t help but be happy that Zed seemed happy.

Shaking his head Zed sighed,”I’ll be off then,” he mumbled before rushing off to his room to actually plan for the job instead of just spending all of his time thinking of his chance to see Shen once again.

It was hard for Zed to keep focus on the actual task, it had been easy enough to ignore the feelings that sat in his stomach when he had no ability to act upon them, but now that he was at that point where he would be in the same house as the man he couldn't forget, he was having a hard time focusing on the fact that he really should not have contact with Shen right after killing his father. Regardless of that each day closer to the date set made it harder to sit still, more people began to notice his change in mood even if no one but Gailen was willing to comment on it.

The night before was when Zed thoughts finally sunk back down to reality, as he sat there staring at the floorplan of the house he had grown up in. The blood on his hands, those people he had killed for the cause of the rebellion, what if Shen was there, and what if Shen hated him for what he had done. Not being able to sleep with the thoughts on his mind, Zed finalized his plans and set out early with his heart and mind conflicted on what to do.

\---

The trees down the street Zed was walking were in full bloom with the springtime, their blossoms swaying slightly in the gentle breeze of the warm night. At the end of the street Zed could see the house he would be entering shortly, his blade tucked away in the small bag resting against his side. It had been this very street that Shen had run into him all those years ago on that cold winter night, the same night he had been not only saved from the street, but his introduction into the world of servitude had begun.

The road was lit by streetlights that lined the sides of it and no cars drove on it, many of the people who lived on the street having already retired for the evening into their homes. Zed would be seen if anyone bothered to look out their windows, but no one would, they never did, to happy and comfortable in their lives to think anything or anyone bad could come to their neighborhood.

It was a slow walk down that street for Zed as the moon rose into the sky above him, taking his time with each step, the sweet smell of the budding trees on the breeze that moved them ever so slightly. Each step felt like an eternity, Zed’s heart racing in his chest faster with each step closer to the large house at the end of the street.

Slipping into the shadows once he got close enough, Zed traveled much more quickly. The feeling of the shadows swallowing him into their cold embrace. Moving through them to enter the seemingly empty and dark house. It was a very different change to the bustling house he had been used to when he was younger, to see something to go from a high energy home to almost feeling abandoned was a shock.

The shadows seemed to spit him out at his destination, their hold not feeling like a comfortable embrace any longer now that he was in the house he had grown up in. In front of him stood the office door he had so many times been called to by Kusho, the rage he had built up towards the man all seeming to seep out of him and back to the hell that they came from, replaced by a mixture of longing to see Shen and fear that this may be the last time he stood alive again.

Zed took a startled step back as the door in front of him slowly creaked open revealing the dimly lit office behind it, a very aged Kusho. The elder man hunched over and the pain from his age showing in the look in his eye. Looking as if he had been waiting for Zed to show up.

“Come in Zed, do not keep an old man waiting,” Kusho spoke quietly, his voice much gentler than it had been the last time Zed had heard it.

“I should just kill you and leave,” Zed responded reaching for the blade in his bag, but his voice holding no real threat in it, even if he did plan on going through with this kill,”Leave you with no final requests.”

Kusho sighed and left the door open slowly walking back over to the desk to sit down in the chair that looked much to large for his aged form,”But will you?”

Zed contemplated the question for a moment before stepping into the office and gingerly closing the door behind him,”Only because you have changed old man,” he answered slowly, and honestly, having seen the change in Kusho from the last time he had seen him when he had been doing research on him, but he had not paid it much thought at the time considering his thoughts had been on the man’s son.

“Thank you,” Kusho gave a slight bow of his head, the best he could do with the way he was slouched in the large chair,”I did not think that you would even give me a chance.”

“You will be dying today, do not think I will let you continue to live after what you did to me,” Zed growled slightly, his chest tightening slightly as a bit of rage filtered back in at the memories of why he was here in this situation in the first place.

“I expected nothing less,” Kusho responded, his words shaking slightly as he was visibly having issues with his breathing, but he kept speaking even with the hinderance,”I just wish for you to listen to my last request before you kill me.”

“Here I am, so spit it out,” Zed snapped a bit impatient with the way Kusho was acting.

“Of course,” Kusho responded still keeping his calm even with the anger that was slipping into Zed’s voice,”Will you,” a soft cough interrupted his words as he turned his head away, catching his breath before starting again,”Will you take care of Shen for me, I do not deserve your forgiveness, but do not make him suffer for my mistakes.”

Zed took a step back, eyes growing wide at the words and his breath suddenly feeling like it was getting stuck in his throat. He had expected the old man to beg for forgiveness, to beg for him to spare his life, in no way could Zed have ever thought that Kusho would ask him to take care of Shen.

“I know that your life is given to the rebellion now, but Shen will need someone to be there with him, and you are the only,” Kusho hesitated before continuing,”You were the only servant he ever trusted besides Kyne.”

“I won’t be anyone's slave again,” Zed hissed his eyes slitting slightly at the mention of him being a servant to Shen,”Ever.”

“Even as a servant you would not be a servant to Shen,” Kusho responded easily, having expected at least a little backlash,”For my life, give your life to him.”

“You live in a fantasy old man,” Zed stated, slowly slipping the sharp blade out of the bag on his hip,”Shen would never want the man who killed his father to be by his side.”

“But he would want the one he loves there,” Kusho retorted as Zed stepped towards him, meeting the red gaze that locked onto him with the words.

“He can’t love me, not after what I have done,” Zed sighed and stepped so he was an arms length from the old man, all he had to do was slice the blade through his neck and it was done,”He is to pure for that.”

“Well, only you can truly find that out,” Kusho stated with a slight sigh, slowly lifting his chin as if he was accepting the blade,”Just do the one favor for me, and find out for yourself.”

“Fine,” Zed agreed not because he believed him, but because he wished to prove the old man wrong even in death,”But I will return to him on my own terms.”

The blade met skin in a flash of movement, blood taking a moment to drip from the wound as Kusho looked up at him one last time before he began to gag and choke on his own blood before collapsing on his clean desk, blood dripping over the dark surface and a quiet feeling of lose sunk into Zed’s stomach.

Zed did not leave marks near Kusho’s body, setting the blade gently besides his head as he sat down across from the body, silently questioning his own motives for killing Kusho and agreeing to follow the man's last request. He had told Irelia that he may not come back from this mission, whether he succeed or not there had always been a possibility of him needing time after success, but he had never expected to not give up his current life to take care of Shen on request of the old man he had come to kill.

Hours had passed before Zed realized he had been staring at Kusho’s body as he thought, the blood had dried to the desk and his lifeless eyes stared at the wall. The thoughts had consumed Zed’s train of thoughts for a quite a while on how he would address approaching Shen again, unsure of where to even start with the thoughts that maybe Kusho was telling the truth lingering in his mind.

The sound of footsteps down the hallway startled Zed out of his own thoughts and he quickly slipped into the shadows, thought they seemed to give a slight fight at him sticking in the room with the body as if they had a mind of their own. Everything seemed to freeze around him though when the door to the office slowly opened, and through the open doorway the dim light of the room revealed the man that had been on his mind since the day he had left.

No shock seemed to show up on Shen’s face as he saw the body of his father at the desk, the blade still beside his head, a mistake that Zed hadn’t realized he had made until he had no chance to rectify it. Shen sighed and sat in the chair still warm from Zed, sadness in his gaze as he looked at his father.

“Are you still here?” Shen asked softly, his voice hoarse as if he had just woken up, the sound making Zed’s heart race,’Of course he isn’t you are just talking to air,” Shen continued after nothing but silence answered him,”Why would you stick around after the job is finished.”

Zed reached out a hand, without thinking about it, his heart making movements for him as he wanted to do nothing more than reach out and comfort Shen, someone he had just caused more pain for. He let out a soft gasp as for the first time since he had been working in the shadows they rejected him, no longer offering him protection in their grasp and pushing him back out into the office landing with a soft thump on his knees next to the chair.

The feeling of betrayal was quickly lost as Zed looked up only to meet Shen’s gaze head on on, his mouth opening to speak but all the words getting stuck in his throat, wanting to do nothing, but beg the other for forgiveness he didn’t deserve.

“So you are still here,” Shen spoke softly, breaking the silence that had fallen between them, each word showing a conflict in Shen’s mind.

Zed swallowed and slowly nodded in response, turning his gaze away as he stood. His heart felt like it was in his stomach and his chest was tight with fear.

“I didn’t believe my father at first, but you being here,” Shen sighed and Zed heard the quiet shuffle of him standing from the chair,”You killed him.”

“Yes,” Zed choked out, not allowing the one word to get stuck in his throat like the others, finally looking back up at Shen who had never looked away from him, now only standing a few feet from him.

“I’m sorry that this is what you were pushed to Zed,” Shen spoke softly, his voice not angry or upset, just full of grief,”This was my fault.”

“No, this was not your fault,” Zed retorted with a slight growl in his voice angry that the other would even try to blame himself for what his father did,”The blood on my hands is not your fault.”

Shen shook his head,”it is though,” he stated with a sigh, not elaborating farther on the subject instead turning to the body of his father,”I was naive enough to think that I could stop you.”

“Shen,” Zed whispered, wanting to reach out to him and comfort him for the pain he had caused him, the grief in his voice making a lump stick in Zed’s throat, guilt in the pit of his stomach.

Turning to look at Zed, Shen bowed his head slightly,”I deserve to be alone like this,” he whispered before moving to begin cleaning up the mess left by the body.

“No,” Zed grabbed his arm, not thinking about his actions or the words before they came from his mouth,”You deserve nothing but happiness, you don’t deserve to be alone unless that is what you want.”

Looking at the hand on his arm Shen sighed and brushed it off, Zed’s grip not very strong on his arm, his eyes locking onto the smaller man and sighing.

“Zed go back home, I can’t protect you here,” Shen whispered meeting his gaze with guilt in his own,”my father’s death by your hand has made that clear to me.”

Zed’s hand fell to his side and his knuckles turned white with the way he clenched them, an odd mixture of determination, guilt and anger making a pit in his stomach. Each word that Shen said made Zed want to break something.

“I don’t need anyone to protect me!” Zed snapped after a moment, his face hardening as he continued,”I am so sick of everyone treating me like I don’t understand what I’ve done, I have killed and I will again, I am not innocent!”

Shen took a step back in surprise at Zed’s snap, he had always been loud, but the way he spoke now spoke of experience that he shouldn’t have had to go through.

“I… you are supposed to hate me now, that’s how this goes,” Zed’s anger had died down a little and his voice softened as he realized the pain the words made him feel, he had been secretly hoping Shen could tell him that he hated him just so he could forget these feelings,”Hate me for being the bad behaved servant that killed your father.”

It was impressive the shade of white Zed’s knuckles had turned, nails digging into his palm as he stood there in front of a shocked Shen tense and ready for a response that never came.

“You were never a servant to me Zed,” Shen sighed looking away from his gaze and staring at his feet,”You were my friend, and I have wanted nothing more to have you back in this house since you disappeared from it.”

Each word felt like another stab at Zed’s heart, a deep emotional pain settling in his heart as Shen turned to face him again, sadness and grief in those beautiful eyes. Zed stood there unsure of what to do or say as each word came out.

“I… can come back,” Zed whispered, the words voluntarily slipping out,”I.. I.. I,” his words stuttered slightly,”I know It can’t go back to how it was before all of this, but there is.. You are…” he huffed having issues with the words,”You are the only one I would willingly serve.”

“But what about the life you have made away from here, they can keep you safe I can’t,” Shen stated, ignoring the earlier statement that Zed did not need to be protected,”if they found you were the one guilty for these murders they would hang you.”

“They won’t,” Zed responded his voice catching in his throat,”I can make sure of that.”

Shen opened his mouth to argue farther but shut it as he looked down at the body laying on the desk taking in a deep breath, torn between trying to get Zed back and sending him away.

“I want to come back Shen,” Zed said, his voice barely above a whisper,”I..want to serve you,” the words were a bit hard to get out, but between the way Shen acted towards him and the final request of the old man, Zed had made his decision in a matter of seconds.

“You would willingly come back to servitude after finding your freedom?” Shen asked softly touching the blade still sitting on the desk,”Even after finding a life.”

“Yes,” Zed stated softly in response,”I would give up all of that to come back here,” it was mostly true, he knew that he would still be in contact with the rebellion even here, but he didn’t need Shen to know that.

“And you would follow my orders even if you disagree?” Shen asked finally looking back up to meet Zed’s gaze,”You will be loyal to me?”

“Only you,” Zed answered softly, feeling like he was betraying a part of himself with agreeing to those terms, and had it been anyone except for Shen he would have torn their throats out for even suggesting it.

Shen’s gaze was cold as he looked at him, before warming up to a look that was much closer to the person that Zed remembered all those years ago,”Welcome home then Zed.”

Zed blinked slowly as he fully realized what he had just done, and who he had just willingly pledged his life too. He didn’t even know if Shen was the same person he had fallen in love with all those years ago, or even if he had just signed his own death certificate.

“Will you help me clean this up? I need it gone before people get here,” Shen asked, Zed shaking the thoughts from his mind nodding in agreeance to help.

“Why would you try and hide it?” Zed asked softly, grabbing his blade and shoving it back in its bag still resting on his hip.

“Because he was ill and old, I should be able to say he died of natural causes,” Shen answered honestly,”makes your sudden return less suspicious.”

“I don’t understand how,” Zed mumbled as he began to wipe up the drying blood with a rag he got from a corner cabinet,”No matter how he died people will still expect me.”

“But without a body they have no proof,” Shen responded as he began to lift the body up, closing the eyes and letting out a soft sigh, “Now lets be quick.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep watch for more bad writing from 3am in the future!


	8. Aftermath of Emotions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zed falls back into his old life fairly easy, but they both have emotions to figure out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long with this chapter, I was having a really hard time writing it until recently, just no motivation.   
> Hopefully it is good, or at least okay.

Zed didn’t question Shen about it again that morning, just accepting the protection being offered to him by a man he was sure hated him. They cleaned up the mess he had made quickly. They dug a grave for Kusho, a grave right next to Kyne’s, leaving two unmarked graves in the large mansions looming shadow as the sun poked its head over the horizon, its bright rays seeming a bit to bright at that moment in time.

There was a growing tension between the two men as the silence settled between them. Zed was still in a bit of shock by not only how easily Shen accepted him back in the household, or even how Kusho let him kill him, it was by how willingly he had allowed himself back into this situation. Shen was holding back the explosion of emotions that had built up in his chest, emotions of wondering why Zed didn’t just disappear into the shadows and return where he had been the past few years, excitement and something a bit more primal buried deeper down in the mess of being near the other man again, and dread at the fact that he had just hid his own father’s murder from the kinkou and police to protect the man he undoubtedly loved still.

It seemed to be a small battle going on between the two of them as they sat in Kusho’s office, now Shen’s office. Neither of them wanted to address the elephant sitting in the room, but both of them had a part in causing it to grow.

“Why did you leave the grave unmarked?” Zed finally asked, his voice quiet and his crimson eyes meeting Shen’s violet ones, the break in the silence felt like a ragged wound that had been pulled open again.  
Shen held his gaze, his body and heart telling him to walk around and pulled Zed into a hug, regardless of what he had done, to apologize profusely for the pain and problems he had caused him, but he didn’t, though he gaze held many of the emotions unable to completely hold them out of view from the man causing them.

“It is not unmarked,” Shen finally responded, his voice was a bit louder than Zed’s but not by much,”It is marked by the garden the serves now as both his and Kyne’s headstones.”

Zed nodded slowly and looked away breaking the intense staring contest that their eyes meeting had caused, half expecting to be scolded for not addressing the other man as sir or master, it was surprising how easily it was for him to slip back into that mindset, even if he had sworn it off as soon as he had escaped.

“I assume you remember where your room was?” Shen asked breaking the silence that had fallen over them once again, wanting to say something much different, but unable to trust himself enough not to spill things out that did not need to be said right then and there,”You were up quite a while, I am sure you could use some time to sleep.”

Looking up at him, Zed nodded slightly, but didn't say anything. That fire still burned bright within him, but he didn’t know how to address it or even go about letting the fire burn in the open. He had spent years hiding his emotions, hiding anything that wasn’t his passion for revenge and killing that it was hard to accept his own emotions that sat deep in his heart and mind, the same emotions that had started him down this road in the first place.

“You may leave,” Shen said softly, dismissing Zed as if he was just a normal servant,”Get some sleep Zed,” he added softly as he watched the other man slowly stand, meeting his gaze as he glanced back at him.

Zed nodded again, his chest feeling to tight for the way his heart was beating at hearing his name said by Shen once again. He was able to get to his old room, which looked unused and had what looked like years worth of dust on much of the furniture, collapsing on the bed with exhaustion before the dam holding his emotions in broke. He curled up on the bed with tears slowly streaming down his face, at the same time feeling an immense amount of joy at being near shen again, even if it was just as a servant. The coldness he had felt from Shen all those years ago after Kyne’s death was nowhere to be found and it made a small sliver of hope sneak in with the mess of things he was feeling, hope that maybe one day, even if it was just friends, Zed could be close to Shen again.

The exhaustion in Zed’s body put him to sleep soon after, tears still on his cheeks as he did so, not thinking about how he would contact Irelia even for a moment. For the first time in years Zed felt safe enough to actually get some sleep, because even if Shen killed him in his sleep, at least it was him, at least he cared enough to do it.

\---

Shen was a mess, as soon as Zed had left the office he placed his forehead against the desk, forgetting for a moment that his father had been there dead only a few hours before. He wasn’t sure whether to be happy that Zed was back, that he could make up to him all the issues that had made for him, or if he should be mad at the shadowy assassin for killing his father. It was a war in his heart of anger and love.

The soft knock at the door startled Shen as he sat up and straightened everything in a sudden hurry, as if he had been doing something wrong, like a child that had gotten caught with their hand in the cookie jar,”Come in.”

Slowly the door creaked open and the only remaining servant peaked her head through, her wrinkled face gentle as she slowly stepped into the room, pushing the door open a platter with food and tea sitting on the small table outside.

“Where is Master Kusho?” Gloria asked softly, soft brown eyes holding a story in them that many would miss,”I brought him his medications and some breakfast.”

“My father passed away last night, the disease finally took him, at least it was in his sleep,” Shen responded softly, the lie feeling more like the truth than the truth was, though the disease he would have said took him was in own mistakes instead of the one that had been eating away at his body.

“Do not lie to me young master,” Gloria responded and place the tray in front of him, none of his father’s medications to be seen on it and deep brown eyes meeting his gaze for the first time in forever,”I am awake early enough to have seen the digging of his grave, and who is sleeping in the room just outside of the kitchen.”

“Then why did you state that you were bringing his medication?” Shen asked, a frown on his face as he looked down at the plate, a well put together meal with plenty of nutrition,”why not be truthful in what you were doing here.”

“Because I already knew Kusho was going to be dead by morning,” Gloria responded softly,”as did he, I just wanted to see how you were reacting to this.”

“Gloria, are you saying,” Shen trailed off as he looked up at her with a confused gaze.

“Your father came looking for me, I was retired from the rebellion, but still had connections,” Gloria answered simply,”please eat, you need to keep your strength up.”

“He knew and he still accepted his death,” Shen let out a slow breath, anger seeping into his chest at his own father,”He was nothing, but an idiot.”

“And idiot atoning for mistakes he knows he made,” Gloria retorted,”Now don’t make the same mistakes boy.”

“Gloria, there was better ways to do this,” Shen mumbled rubbing his temples in irritation,”he didn’t have to die, he didn’t/”

“Zed wouldn’t have said yes to you had he not,” Gloria responded stopping Shen’s mind in its tracks as he slowly looked up at he and shook his head with a sad sigh, realizing the truth in that statement.

“If you wish to continue serving this family, you may, but you are not require to stay,” Shen stated simply in response looking down at the well made food in front of him.

“Dear boy, I am to old to want to go back out in the world, I wouldn’t leave even if you wanted me too,” Gloria chuckled softly, seeming in a light happy mood even with the events that had happened only a few hours before.

“Then you are dismissed,” Shen whispered as he stared down at the plate of food, trying to figure out how this entire situation made him feel,”please make sure he eats when he wakes up,” he added as an afterthought, not seeing the soft smile and slight nod from Gloria before she left quietly shutting the door behind her.

It was a lot for Shen to take in, his father had known when Zed would be coming all along and had never told him, had never let him know that he could have saved him from a death by Zed’s hands, but at the same time, he understood. Had Zed been stopped by him, he would have ran back to the rebellion, and probably held that grudge close for a very long time.

“Why must balance be so complicated father?” Shen asked with a soft sigh and pushed down what feelings he could, the mixture of anger and love still sitting in his heart as he took the first bite of the meal before him,”Why must my heart feel so conflicted?”

\---

The next few weeks were hard for both Shen and Zed, both of them battling with emotions deep down at the same time as dealing with outside consequences of their actions. Within that time Zed had manage to come in contact with the rebellion telling them his position, success and telling them he will still take out important targets, but only if he had too. Shen on the other hand was officially named the Eye of Twilight in his fathers place, everyone believing the story that his old man had died to the disease that had been plaguing him for years. 

Many questioned the fact that Zed was back in the service of the family, but they never questioned Shen directly, through a mixture of fear and the fact that anytime Shen had even heard rumors about why Zed was back the glare he had given them would sending even the strongest man running with his tail between his legs. It was far from normal, or how it had been all those years ago, but for both of the men it was better than how it had been.

Shen could tell that the passion and fiery personality were still in Zed, with each movement each twitch each time someone tried to order him around and he would just ignore them as if he didn’t hear them, the rebellion was still strong in him and Shen did nothing to push it away. It had always been a part of him. It had taken Shen days to finally piece his thoughts back together with his emotions as the anger slowly drained away, a bit still there, but none of it aimed at Zed, but instead himself.

The small room he currently sat in was quiet and empty besides himselfs, the most recent guests giving their condolences for his father's death finally gone and he felt like he could actually relax. The door to the room slowly creaked open as Zed stepped in, he was wearing simple clothing now and would have blended into any crowd had it not been for his crimson colored eyes and white hair that looked like a fresh snowfall. He was carrying a small tray with two cups of steaming tea and the kettle to refill when wanted.

Not saying anything he walked forward slowly and gently set the try down on the small table next to Shen, before looking up to meet his gaze, lingering a bit longer then he should have before standing up straight and turning to leave.

“Zed wait,” Shen spoke softly, his mind may have been put together, but ultimately his body wanted to react, wanting to be closer to the other man, he wanted nothing more then to pull him close and apologize for what he had done to him, to kiss those lips and tell him that he loved him even if he had done those things, but he didn’t”come sit, we should speak.”

“About what exactly?” Zed asked cautiously, they had spoken very little since Zed had rejoined the household, it almost had come naturally to be back to serving Shen, a small air of happiness around Zed just being near Shen again, even if it had come at a very high price.

“Just sit,” Shen responded with a bit more force in his tone, the other slowly moving to sit down opposite to Shen, averting his gaze not wanting to meet Shen’s out of fear that the other would see the emotion swimming in them.

“Did Gloria clean up your room?” Shen asked softly, not sure what else to say, hadn’t really planned out what he was going to say or how he was going to say it and now he was regretting that.

“Yes, it was very kind of her, I could have done it myself,” Zed’s voice was quiet and restrained, holding back worlds and feelings that were harder to hide now that he was speaking with the person who caused these feelings in his heart and it made his throat and chest tight.

“I asked her too,” Shen responded softly, slowly standing feeling a bit restless at his own inability to ask the real questions floating around in his head, violet eyes turning away to stare at a wall,”You’ve had a long couple of years and I wanted your return to be comfortable.”

“I can take care of myself,” Zed mumbled, he had refused to call Shen by name since that day after his father's death, but at the same time had not spoken to Shen as his servant either,”I do not need others to do it for me, this is a pointless conversation, I am going to return to my room,” Zed’s tone was quick and tense, holding back words that wanted to rush out, spill out for shen and only Shen.

Shen looked up as he heard the rustle of Zed standing and heading for the door, the other not even looking in his direction as he seemed to be running from the words that were being trapped in his throat.

This time Shen’s body moved without the permission of his mind, acting upon what his heart wanted. Before Zed could open the door Shen grabbed his arm and pressed him back again the same door he had just been trying to leave through, a shocked expression on the smaller mans face as he met Shen’s gaze for the first time that night, a fire of passion burning in those red eyes that could keep the city warm through the winter months.

“I needed… to say something else,” Shen mumbled averting his own gaze as he realized how fast his heart was racing, how close he was to Zed, feeling the warmth radiate of the other living body that he had pressed back against the door,”I just… don’t know how to say it,” Shen grumbled his grip loose on Zed’s arm, but Zed was standing still as if it was an iron bar holding him in place.

Zed continued to stare at him, his lips parted as if he wanted to say something, but each word getting stuck in his throat as he tried not to think about how close they were, Shen was barely a foot away and the warm hand against his arm made his heart race, just the small touch reminding him of that night he kept close to his heart, the night that had changed his life forever.

“Zed.. I..” Shen was struggling to come up with the words still, finally looking back up at him and his own words stopping as he realized that he had an option that wasn’t words and Zed’s reaction to it would tell him everything he needed to know, if this had all been worth the heartache and pain.

As Shen moved closer to him Zed froze, his lip quivering slightly as he could feel the heat of Shen’s breath on his lips, the warmth of his body only inches from his own, forgetting all the bad that had been done to him in that one moment, all of the bad things he had done, everything was forgotten with the fact that Shen was close enough to him that if he just leaned forward their lips would meet.

The sounds of shattering glass in the hallway startled him out of Zed out of his inability to act, his mind flashing back to the night in the attic that had been so similar, but instead of pulling away like he had that night Shen closed the distance between them ignoring the crash for the moment and doing what he should have done that night in the attic.

Zed’s mind went blank except for the warmth of Shen’s lips on his own, pressing closer to the other as the hand on his arm moved up to cup his cheek. It was long and drawn out, neither wanting to pull away from the warmth of the other, their emotions for each other out in the open with just one kiss.

The moment Shen pulled away both of them missed the feeling, eyes slowly opening to look at each other the silence in the room heavy enough that they could both hear their own heartbeats. Forgetting for a moment that just outside of the room glass had been broken. They met gazes for only a moment, before panic appeared in Zed’s eyes, he hadn’t had any physical contact like that since Morris and the memories of those months came rushing back and his chest tightened in fear that this was a kiss of lust not shared emotions.

With the thoughts running through his mind Zed ran, the shadows welcoming him like he was home and he went straight to his room, feeling the ghost of Shen’s warmth against his skin as he tried to hid from the mess of feeling and emotion that were running through his mind, leaving a confused and shocked Shen with nothing more than a shadow where he used to be.

Shen shook his head irritated with himself for acting and doing what he did, that was not the way to go about it, thought the feeling of Zed’s lips against his own still lingered and his heart raced at the way Zed had pressed closer. Slowly opening the door he checked to see what the crash was. Gloria was down the hallway a little bit cleaning up a broken cup, hands shaking just a little.

“Sorry for the noise dear,” Gloria spoke softly as she noticed Shen looking at her,”these old hands can’t keep hold on things like they used too.”

“Here let me help,” Shen stated moving slowly to help her clean up the glass, his mind still on Zed and what he had just done, he had just kissed Zed.

“You okay dear, you seem a little flushed, you have a fever?” Gloria asked, Shen looking up to meet her worried gaze.

“I am fine gloria don’t worry about me,” Shen responded with a soft smile, hiding behind it has his mind rushed around on what to do next.

“Of course, I will be back in my room if you need anything,” Gloria stated as they cleaned up the rest of the mess,”Even if it's just advice from an old woman.”

Shen nodded, but didn’t respond verbally watching her disappear back into the servants quarters leaving him standing alone and confused in the hallway unsure of what to do next.


	9. Another Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love everyone who has been so patient with me and supportive, I will try to be quicker with the next update I swear! <3 <3 <3

Zed was in shock, the shadows had lead him back to his room, his mind racing and empty all at the same time trying to figure out what exactly just happened. His actions were a blur to his mind that was preoccupied with the warmth that he still felt against his lips as if Shen was still right there with his lips on his. A ghost of his warmth wrapped around Zed’s body like a soft knitted blanket that would go well with a warm cup of cocoa on a cold winter night safely seated in front of a freshly lit fireplace.

The bed was barely noticed as Zed sat down on it, his hand lifting to touch his bottom lip gently. It felt rough in comparison to Shen’s lips, his skin, his touch, Zed could not wrap his mind around what Shen had done, unable to do anything but think about it even if he was having a hard time believing that it had been something more than a dream.

It wasn’t a dream, none of this wretched nightmare that Zed called a life had been a dream. The realization hit him like a truck as he lay on his bed staring at nothing, his life was not a dream, he had done all of those things, he had killed so many people, and he had enjoyed every single one. The shadows seemed to wrap around him as his thoughts fell darker into the train of thought he had been trying so hard to avoid. Not only was he a murderer, but he had killed Shen’s father, an old sick man, he was not a murderer, he was a monster.

Zed had one light at the end of the tunnel, a tunnel filled with dark thoughts and shadows that seemed to eat away at the corners of his mind, unlike the ones he so commonly found himself traveling through, these shadows felt malevolent sitting at the edges of his mind like a vultures waiting for it to be consumed by the very thing they were made of. They couldn’t move any closer to consuming his mind though held off by a bright light breaking through at the front of a stop trained at the end of that tunnel, keeping the darkness of his mind at bay, Shen.

It was becoming more like the dream his life had claimed to be at this point, he had closed his eyes, but instead of the welcoming darkness or allowing the malevolent shadows to consume his thoughts, he could not stop picturing Shen so close to him. Zed had thought the memory would have faded by now with all the dark thoughts running through his head, but it wasn’t. The ghost of his touch, the feel of his lips against his own had taken control of his mind and he couldn’t do anything about it. 

“Why?” the word was soft as it slipped from Zed’s lips, his body shaking slightly from a mixture of the cold chill that had snuck into the small room and remembering the kiss yet again as he tried to reason with himself why shen had done it.

Slowly his eyes opened to a dark room, the shadows seeming to dance around him, but none coming close enough to make Zed think that they were the same shadows that had slowly attempted to encroach on his thoughts only to be blinded by the remembrance of how gentle Shen’s touch had been.

“I do not love him!” Zed yelled more at the ghosts of his past echoing through his ears than anything else, at this point he was just trying to convince himself that the statement was true, that he did not in fact love Shen, but he was doing this because Shen could not handle himself.

Hiding his face in the pillow Zed screamed, letting out frustration that had been hiding inside of his mind for years, the feeling that he really couldn’t hide no matter how many times he would try, he used to be able to admit it to himself so easily, why couldn’t he now? 

A knock on the door startled Zed, but that did not make the voice that came through the door any less surprising, he had not expected Shen to come speak to him after he had ran off.

“I am coming in Zed,” Shen spoke muffled through the door, before the door slowly creaked open and Shen poked his head through before stepped in, the door quietly clicking behind him.

Zed’s face was still buried in the pillow, now to embarrassed to lift his face from the soft fabric to respond to Shen entering his room. He could feel when Shen sat down cautiously on his bed, the bed dipping under the weight of the other man. A silence had fallen over them both, Zed’s breathing muffled by the pillow his face was covered with and Shen wasn’t making a noise.

“Look… just forget I did anything Zed, I am sorry,” Shen spoke slowly as he apologized as if each word hurt him to say, each word seeming muddled in the silence that had fallen between them,”If you want we can just go back… forget that ever happened.”

“Why would you say such things Shen?” Zed asked, his voice muffled as he slowly pushed himself to a sitting position, crimson eyes looking on the other man, wondering why he would ever apologize for what had happened,”Why would you assume that I would want to forget that Shen?”

Shen didn’t respond instead looking at Zed like he had just pulled off some impossible miracle, the look in his eyes somewhere between shock and an intense emotion Zed couldn’t quite put his finger on, even if he did feel that same emotion swelling in his own chest for the man sitting before him.

“Then… what do we do now?” Shen asked softly as he met Zed’s gaze for only a moment before turning away, that one look seeming to repair and break Zed’s heart over and over, a never ending cycle inside of Zed chest leaving his mind swirling in the chaos that it normally was.

“I don’t know,” Zed mumbled looking away as well, he fidgeted slightly as he tried to figure out where to look, even if he just wanted to keep staring at Shen he knew he shouldn’t.

“I felt like I had made a terrible mistake.. Kissing you,” Shen whispered, his voice was very quiet and his gaze was glued to his face like if he looked up he would break the illusion that they were both sitting there in that room together, even after everything they had both been through.

“Shen,” Zed only said his name not actually sure what he was planning on saying after that, the sound of Shen’s name coming from his mouth making his mind blank for a moment, as he stared at the side of Shen’s head without realizing it.

“Yes?” Shen asked softly finally turning to meet Zed’s gaze, both of them sitting like that quietly, both having mountains of things to say to the other but neither being able to say any of them.

“Will you kiss me again?” the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, like the rush of water through a freshly broken damn,”I just want you to kiss me one more time, then I.. then I can leave if you want me too.”

They both sat there in silence for a moment, their eyes meeting and neither moving to do anything as if they were frozen in a moment of time, a moment shared with no one else.

“I.. are you sure?” Shen finally stuttered out, as if the words had been stuck in his throat,”And you are the one who ran away from me last time I checked.”

Zed looked away with a soft sigh,”Even if I wanted to run now, which I don’t, I would have nowhere to run,” Zed pointed out,”I… you surprised me earlier that is all.”

“I surprised you?” Shen asked raising an eyebrow, a cautious hand reaching out to touch his cheek, moving slightly so he could look him in the eye again,”I am sorry for surprising you then.”

“Shen.. I, uh,” Zed swallowed as their gazes met, the awkward young man that was hiding in Zed slipping out as his mouth hung open unsure of what to say as he stared at Shen,”D-d-don’t ap-apologize,” he stuttered out his mouth snapping shut afterwards and his eyes wide.

They sat like that for a moment, looking into each others eyes, Shen’s hand on Zed’s cheek and neither of them speaking, almost as if they were afraid if they did the moment would shatter into a million pieces just like their lives had all those years ago when Zed had been sent to the whore house.

“Zed,” Shen whispered softly, breaking the silence that had fallen over them both, his thumb slowly running over Zed’s bottom lip,”Do you really want another kiss?”

Slowly Zed nodded in response, trying not to pull away from his hand, knowing he would regret it the moment the warmth of that hand left his face. 

Shen leaned forward slightly so he was closer to Zed, scooting closer on the bed so their bodies were touching ever so slightly. Gently stroking his cheek Shen held Zed’s gaze, neither of them breaking to look away this time. After a moment of hesitation Shen leaned in once more, pressing his lips gently against Zed’s his eyes closing as his free arm wrapped around Zed’s back to pull him closer.

The moment their lips touched Zed’s eyes fluttered shut, his heart raced in his chest and his mind went blank except for the soft lips against his own and the warm body being pressed up against his own body, warming him from the inside out, thawing his frozen heart for the second time this evening.

By the time Shen pulled away from the gentle kiss, it had felt like they had been sitting there for an hour and neither seemed to care to much about that, both of their heart racing quickly and eyes opening to meet each other's gaze as soon as they were far enough apart not to feel the other breath on their lips.

“I don’t know what we will do Zed,” Shen spoke softly, his hand still on his cheek and his arm still around him,”But I swear on my father's grave we will figure something out, because I will not let go of you again.”

Zed swallowed and looked down blinking slowly before speaking,”I would be sure you want me to stay around before you say stuff like that.”

“I should make sure you want to stay first,” Shen asked softly, his hand on his cheek slipping to his chin to lift his face,”Because i want nothing more than for you to stick around.”

“I will stay as your servant Shen, I already told you that, I would be gone already if I didn’t want to be here,” Zed huffed, the walls around his heart and mind slowly slipping up once again.

Shen nodded slowly and let out a soft sigh,”If that’s what you want, than that will stay the same, but you do not have to do anything you do not wish, I just want to make up for the mistakes that I made that ruined your life.”

“You have done anything but ruin my life Shen, you are the one who gave it back to me.”


	10. Another Gear in the Machine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shen and Zed are finally coming around to their feelings for one another, when another person is added to the household, Akali. Pushing Shen and Zed to have to figure out what their relationship truly is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for taking so long, I have been having a hard time writing anything recently, and any grammar mistakes that may have occurred in this! Thanks to all of you who have kept reading, I am so glad that people are enjoying it!

It wasn’t easy for either of them, Zed no longer had the mentality of a servant and it showed, and Shen had not been ready to take up the mantle of the Eye of Twilight, but they made it work somehow. That night had shown them both how even though they were so drastically different and that they both blamed themselves for the misfortunes that had fallen on them the years before, they needed each other in a deeper way then either could have known. 

The weeks following their first shared kiss seemed lighter than it had been since Zed had once again joined the household and it was evident to anyone that they came in contact with. Shen having taken up the duties his father had left behind seemed much more in control now, of both his inherited power and the cold emotions that had once plagued him. Zed had no attempt at hiding his obvious contempt to many of the nobles that came through the house at all hours of the day, even so Zed did nothing to jeopardize his position at Shen’s side even if he was seen as a servant in their eyes.

Each passing day seemed to get better, the two of them sharing glances that only Gloria seemed to catch, and even if they did not share the same closeness they had that night, the same timid need, on occasion the young men would slip away from view to share a quick kiss or two to lighten the load the other had to deal with.

They both knew it could not stay that simple for long though, and the day came that the two of them in the form of one young girl, Akali. Mayym Jhomen Tethi came knocking at Shen’s door one late evening with the young lady in tow, Akali’s hair a mess like she had been dragged out of bed by her mother who had a firm grip on her arm as she slammed her fist into the door with the other, almost hitting Zed as he opened the door.

“I need to speak with your master,” Mayym spoke properly with a frown on her aged face, the noble women seemed obviously agitated and Zed stood there for a moment taking his own time to realize who the woman was the Fist of Shadow, a powerful piece of the Kinkou was standing in front of him speaking to him like he was just another obstacle in her way.

“I am sorry Ma’am, Master Shen is currently busy, come back later,” Zed’s voice was cold towards her, and the sound of his formality towards Shen made him want to scrunch his nose and make a face.

“No, now,” Mayym nearly hissed her eyes holding a venom towards Zed for standing in her way,”I must see him now.”

“Mother, he is obviously busy just let me go and we can come back in another three years for fuck’s sake,” this was the first time Zed had ever heard Akali speak and she sounded done with her overbearing mother and whatever they were there for.

“That is no way for young ladies to speak,” Mayym stated giving her daughter a look that could freeze armies, but all it did to the young woman was make her roll her green eyes like her mother was nothing more than an annoyance to her. 

“I can take a message,” Zed stated with the same cold tone, his eyes still on Mayym though a bit curious as to why she had dragged her daughter all the way there after dusk to see Shen.

Before Mayym could respond Shen came around the corner curious of the commotion at the front door, tapping Zed gently on the shoulder to move to the side. Zed gave him a glance before taking a step back fully opening the door for Shen who had an emotionless expression on his face, ready for whatever chaos this woman would undoubtedly bring to him.

“Good evening Madame, how may I be of assistance to you?” Shen asked his voice very controlled as his gaze moved between Mayym and Akali both of which he recognized immediately, Akali having been one of the many women who had been brought to Shen’s attention in attempt to have him marry and have a family.

“Finally,” Mayym huffed practically throwing her daughter at his feet, as she shot a glare in Zed’s direction only to receive one back much to her distaste,”Long ago your father made a promise to me that someone in the house would take my daughter as their apprentice and after tonight I am done waiting.”

“What do you mean by that Madame Mayym?” Shen asked with a slight tilt in his hand outstretching a hand to Akali, who ignored it only to stand and straighten herself out on her own.

“I found this little harlot in bed with a stranger, a random young man, she needs to be taught discipline and there is no better place for that then here, in the estate of the Eye of Twilight, you have your father’s promise to keep now young man,” Mayym explained a scowl on her face.

Shen stood there for a moment, wanting to share Zed’s opinions on the matter considering he had grown fond of hearing the others opinionated views of his colleagues in the Kinkou, but he avoided looking in his direction knowing the look alone could reveal things neither of them wanted revealed even if it hadn’t evolved past a few stolen kisses in the late hours of the nights.

“I am bound to keep my father’s promises, and by that bond I will take Akali into the household to teach her some manners,” Shen was very formal about his proclamation in response to Mayym’s words, getting mixed looks from all three of the witnesses to his words.

Mayym finally seemed to calm down a bit at the statement and nodded curtly,”I will have her stuff sent over in a day or so,” she stated before walking off like what she had done was the most normal thing in the world.

Shaking his head as Shen watched Mayym storm off, he ushered Akali further into the house the look of utter disbelief on her face that Shen had agreed to this and Zed closed the door behind them.

“Akali wipe that damn look on your face it’s not like you are going to get tortured in this household,” Shen stated with a smirk, finally turning to meet Zed’s gaze caring less that Akali saw their shared looks than if her mother had.

Zed held worry in his gaze about their stolen kisses, and the fact they still had yet to speak about what to do next, where their relationship would go next, throwing Akali into the house would throw a wrench in any plans either of them might have thought out.

“I mean that’s what you think then you go and force me to be orderly and ladylike, no thanks,” Akali responded with a frown, crossing her arms over his chest and waited for a response.

“No,” Shen said turning his head to look back at her after sharing a similar worry in his eyes to Zed’s, but he knew they would figure it out,”I will be teaching you balance, and balance does not start with forcing you to be something you aren’t.”

Akali seemed looked a bit surprised at the words that came from Shen’s mouth, making a slight face before responding,”So do you think I am a harlot as well Shen? Is that why you refused my mother’s arranged marriage?”

“Akali, I don’t care what you do in bed, it’s not my problem, it’s not my care, and I don’t know if you were told this but I refused all the marriage propositions that were made for me, I do not need a wife or a family,” Shen responded simply having a much more casual tone with the ruffled young woman, he patted her on the shoulder only to have his hand pushed away.

“Yeah, whatever, we’ve all heard the rumors,” Akali responded her accusing eyes landing on Zed for a brief moment before turning back to Shen,”Okay then Shen,” she said with a bit of bite on his name,”Where is my room if I really am just getting left here by my mother?”

Shen turned to the house thinking for a moment before speaking again,”Follow me, and Zed could make some tea for me and leave it in the office for me.”

Nodding Zed went off to make some tea, though they both knew he wouldn't leave after dropping it off in his office just to leave.

\---

Returning to his office with the knowledge that Zed would still be there to question was the least of his worries. Shen knew that Akali was an unruly trouble maker, and honestly he may have made a mistake taking her in with the fresh blossoms of Zed’s and his relationship on the wind, but he couldn’t let her mother stay in control the way that she was, all it would do would make Akali harder to deal with at later times. Shen could only hope she didn’t find out what wasn't meant for ears past those involved. 

Stepping into his office, Shen slowly closed the door behind him meeting Zed’s gaze from across the room before turning away with a sigh, trying to gather his thoughts and options on what they could do.

“Why?” Zed asked breaking the uneasy silence they shared their glances in as Shen took a seat behind the desk.

“Because it was bound to happen someday, because my father made a promise to teach her, and that duty falls to me,” Shen responded simply pouring himself some tea before sigh and rubbing the bridge of his nose,”and the longer I wait the more danger I put you in, the more danger I put us in.”

Zed listened to his words, and slowly nodded in a slight understanding as he sat down across from him, grabbing the second cup that Gloria had placed on the plate with a small smirk on her face.

“So.. what does this mean about us anyway, Shen?” Zed asked softly as he made himself a cup, slow and calculated almost as if he was waiting to disappear into the shadows to kill Mayym just for the way she had treated her daughter in those few minutes in front of him.

“I know we haven’t really spoken about it since that night,” Shen sighed softly, staring at his steaming cup of tea and taking a small sip before setting it at his desk,”and this can cause problems if we were to ever be caught kissing, or,” he hesitated looking up to meet that crimson gaze,”other things.”

There had only been patience between them, Shen had not known fully what happened to Zed when he had been sold like property to Morris so he had been allowing the other to push forward their relationship forward at his own pace, which had been snail slow. Zed unsure if he could handle much more than an increasing amount of kissing at this moment, the times when they would get carried away leading him to darker places in his mind, where the only light he had had was Shen, or how he felt if they went much further then innocent kisses he really would corrupt Shen even though they both clearly wanted more, neither would push farther.

“That would be my fault wouldn’t it,” Zed said with a glance at the door, seeming a bit nervous at having a new person in the house, not putting it past her to sneak around and listen to things that were not for her ears to hear.

“It is no one’s fault Zed,” Shen responded quickly, unwilling to allow the other man to take blame in the halt of their relationship,”We both have walls up that need to come down, it is natural for us to take this slow into unknown territory.”

“You can speak all professional Shen, but it doesn’t change the past and what has happened, you can say so many things and I will probably still feel like I do right in this moment, with or without Akali here,” Zed retorted before continuing,”And with her here we are just adding another wrench into the gears, it will not turn out pretty.”

Sighing Shen looked to the covered window almost looking for comfort in the thick curtains that covered the cold outside would from view, trying to think of a way to respond to Zed with the same amount of optimism that Zed had put out in pessimism. 

“Then let’s do that one thing that both of need to do right now, right here, with both have feelings and emotions towards each other, let’s talk about them, be open about them without judgement, so we know these stolen kisses should continue to happen or if they are just a reuse,” Shen finally responded looking back to Zed to find him still staring intently at him.

“So speak of our feelings, like they can be talked about in one of those sappy romance novels I would read in the attic?” Zed asked with a slight sarcastic tone on his voice, even he had a hard time accepting his own feelings for the other man, his fear of corrupting him with the blood on his own hands, the fear of losing him.

“Zed, it is unhealthy to keep them inside,” Shen answered with a slight shake of his head, Zed was still difficult, even after all of those years apart, the man still was as hard headed as a mule.

“I used to let them out and you can see where I ended up after that,” Zed retorted with a frown on his pale face, leaning back to take another sip of tea in the seat across from Shen,”Or is it that you just want to hear me say these things that I am pretty sure both of us feel.”

“We need to take steps forward, not back Zed,” the response was soft as Shen leaned forward meeting his gaze with a serious one of his own,”And maybe admitting what we are doing here and why will help us onto the next steps of our relationship.”

Zed sat quietly for a moment pondering Shen’s argument on the matter, neither of them had raised their voices at each other, each word carefully picked in attempt to not harm the other while still trying to stick what they thought was best. It would take time no matter what after all they had been through, but even though Zed hated it Shen was right, they needed to move forward.

“Fine, but you first.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully I don't take as long on the next chapter, I won't promise anything but I am doing better now with my writing.

**Author's Note:**

> I will try to post when I have chapters done, I don't have a schedule, but i will try to post often.
> 
> Update: I have not forgotten about this story and there is definitely more to come, I just have been having a hard time writing recently.


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